it saddens me knowing that my son, now 7 weeks old will never know my mom. she died 9 years ago of cancer. over the years i have thought about how she will miss out on so many important things in my life. like how i moved to NY, experiencing my new life here, and meeting my husband. children weren't even a glimpse in my eye back then so i never really thought about her missing out on being a grandma until now.
while i was pregnant, my brother and i would joke about how excited our mom would have been knowing she was about to be a grandma. so excited that she almost would have driven me crazy. you know, always calling, checking in, sending gifts that she bought, her ideas for the nursery, etc. she would have planned her trip for when i had the baby, hoping she would have been here in time for the delivery.
instead i've spent the past 7 weeks asking my mom to send motherly advice from heaven. what do i do when i have exhausted all resources on getting him to sleep? i am supposed to go back to work in 4 weeks, but can't possibly imagine doing it. what did she do? i want to share with her every thing charlie does, how he smiles when he is done nursing. how his eyes roll back in his head when he's tired and then he giggles. i want to share with her everytime he gains a pound and grows an inch. and each picture we take of him, i wish i could email them to her and show her just how beautiful he is.
at night while nursing, there is nothing else to do, but stare out the window. over the past few weeks i have noticed a star outside his window. it's the brightest star in the sky. i've come to look for it every night. and no matter the weather, it's there. i am positive it's my mom. she's watching over us, she's keeping an eye on her grandson. i've started talking to the star. i know it sounds silly, but i do. i describe what it feels like to be a mother. how it's surreal. i ask the star how is it possible to love someone so much in an instant, and just when you think you can't possibly love him anymore, that love grows? everyday it grows stronger and i can't imagine my life without him. i talk to charlie. i tell him about his grandma. how smart, how witty, quirky, funny and beautiful she was. i tell him how much she would have loved him.
it's sad my mom never got the chance to be a grandma and even sadder my son never got to meet her. and even though charlie will never get to know his grandma, i know she is up there watching over us. she's his guardian angel grandma
R.I.P Mom 10-27-01
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
being pregnant
39 weeks pregnant. only 1 more grueling week to go (if i'm lucky) or perhaps he'll come early and i won't have to endure the next 7 days. as the end draws near, i have been reminiscing about the past 9 months, and here are just a few things i have learned:
1.) people love to give advice and at times, very strange advice. for example, below are actual quotes from emails i received from either clients or co-workers.
"Stay healthy- no fads, just basics. Say "yes" to help. Breast feeding is very good! (But don't get hung up on "how long" you need to do it) you're body will run it's course (but metoclopramide 10 mg q.I.d p.o may help you extend the time). Don't listen to people who give you stress; mothers have been doing a great job for millions of years!" -an opthamologist client
"So congrats! Just a word of advice....if you get home from the hospital and the baby is screaming in the middle of the night and you stagger to his/her room to do your mommy thing and the following thought enters your head...."Oh My God...WHY did I think this was a good idea? I can't do THIS! What was I THINKING?"......you are NOT a bad mommy. My kid's nine and I sometimes think that even now." -a colleague
"Good for you . Women catch all the breaks. I know You will make a terrific Mom. Best of luck see you in December. My wife was able to squeeze a little more time out of her maternity leave since she breast fed (first 3 months) her GYNOBY found a impacted or infected areola (she didn't know she had) . It gave her a few more weeks." -our contractor
"If you don't immediately fall in love with your baby as soon as he's born, it's okay." -a colleague
2.) people are so complimentary and such well wishers
"you're so skinny! how is it possible you're 9 months pregnant?" -a counterpart from Barcelona
"you look amazing! i can't believe you're due in a week!" -a work neighbor
"good luck with your baby boy! i bet he's gonna have beautiful blue eyes!" -random client
"best wishes to you and your baby." -a stranger sitting across from me on the train
"congratulations! you'll be a great mom!" -the fireman who i gave change to for the fill the boot
3.) people are genorous with gifts, some gifts more welcome than others. for example, the 2 women who clean my showroom, who most likely don't have a pot to piss in, each bought the baby a gift, and a very generous gift at that. a designer in the building where i work bought the baby the cutest outfit ever. but then there are the gifts i would have rather not received. like a t-shirt for the baby with a picture of the woman's dog on it?? or the random sweater vest and weird overcoat that looks like a girl should be wearing it, just those 2 things, no pants to match. and the box filled with fleece pajamas, 3 pairs of them, all the same size, all will be too big for him when he actually needs to wear fleece. a baby blue sweater one piece? just because it's from bloomingdale's doesn't mean it's a good gift.
i don't mean to sound ungrateful, but you have to wonder what goes through people's minds when picking out gifts. do they buy the first thing they see on sale and they don't care what it looks like or do they really think what they are getting is a good practical gift? i don't know.
all in all, being pregnant has been a joy. sure the morning sickness, the backaches, the horomones and everything else were a pain, but i'm going to miss my big ol' belly and everyone saying how cute i look even if they don't mean it. i'm going to miss feeling the baby move inside, letting me know he's okay. i'm going to miss being at my heaviest weight, but still feeling beautiful because it's for a good cause. however, a whole new chapter will begin once he gets here and i can't wait.
1.) people love to give advice and at times, very strange advice. for example, below are actual quotes from emails i received from either clients or co-workers.
"Stay healthy- no fads, just basics. Say "yes" to help. Breast feeding is very good! (But don't get hung up on "how long" you need to do it) you're body will run it's course (but metoclopramide 10 mg q.I.d p.o may help you extend the time). Don't listen to people who give you stress; mothers have been doing a great job for millions of years!" -an opthamologist client
"So congrats! Just a word of advice....if you get home from the hospital and the baby is screaming in the middle of the night and you stagger to his/her room to do your mommy thing and the following thought enters your head...."Oh My God...WHY did I think this was a good idea? I can't do THIS! What was I THINKING?"......you are NOT a bad mommy. My kid's nine and I sometimes think that even now." -a colleague
"Good for you . Women catch all the breaks. I know You will make a terrific Mom. Best of luck see you in December. My wife was able to squeeze a little more time out of her maternity leave since she breast fed (first 3 months) her GYNOBY found a impacted or infected areola (she didn't know she had) . It gave her a few more weeks." -our contractor
"If you don't immediately fall in love with your baby as soon as he's born, it's okay." -a colleague
2.) people are so complimentary and such well wishers
"you're so skinny! how is it possible you're 9 months pregnant?" -a counterpart from Barcelona
"you look amazing! i can't believe you're due in a week!" -a work neighbor
"good luck with your baby boy! i bet he's gonna have beautiful blue eyes!" -random client
"best wishes to you and your baby." -a stranger sitting across from me on the train
"congratulations! you'll be a great mom!" -the fireman who i gave change to for the fill the boot
3.) people are genorous with gifts, some gifts more welcome than others. for example, the 2 women who clean my showroom, who most likely don't have a pot to piss in, each bought the baby a gift, and a very generous gift at that. a designer in the building where i work bought the baby the cutest outfit ever. but then there are the gifts i would have rather not received. like a t-shirt for the baby with a picture of the woman's dog on it?? or the random sweater vest and weird overcoat that looks like a girl should be wearing it, just those 2 things, no pants to match. and the box filled with fleece pajamas, 3 pairs of them, all the same size, all will be too big for him when he actually needs to wear fleece. a baby blue sweater one piece? just because it's from bloomingdale's doesn't mean it's a good gift.
i don't mean to sound ungrateful, but you have to wonder what goes through people's minds when picking out gifts. do they buy the first thing they see on sale and they don't care what it looks like or do they really think what they are getting is a good practical gift? i don't know.
all in all, being pregnant has been a joy. sure the morning sickness, the backaches, the horomones and everything else were a pain, but i'm going to miss my big ol' belly and everyone saying how cute i look even if they don't mean it. i'm going to miss feeling the baby move inside, letting me know he's okay. i'm going to miss being at my heaviest weight, but still feeling beautiful because it's for a good cause. however, a whole new chapter will begin once he gets here and i can't wait.
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
waiting.....
a shooting pain in the side wakes me at 4:00 a.m. the pain comes in waves throughout the morning and has me in tears on my drive into work. at noon the pain has worsened and my husband begs me to call the doctor. at 2:30 pm the pain is so intense it takes my breath away and makes me stumble while walking across my office floor. this kind of pain finally warrants a call to the doctor. it's 3:00 pm on a friday and he's gone for the day. the nurse is going to have the on-call doctor call me back. she does and tells me to immediately go to labor and delivery. i still have 5 weeks to go, labor and delivery is not what i expect to hear.
at the hospital, in a delivery room, i am told to pee in a cup and then i am hooked up to monitors. the nurse casually tells me the pain i am feeling is contractions. the room starts spinning for both me and my husband. two doctors come in along with the nurse pushing an iv cart and an ultra sound machine. a blood pressure strap is wrapped around my arm. questions like, "do you know the sex? do you want him circumcised? are you going to breastfeed? do you have a living will?" are thrown at me. an iv is stuck in my arm while the doctor does an ultrasound. my baby weighs 5 pounds 7 oz, he's in the proper position. the doctor says, "he's ready to come out." holy hell i'm having a baby! beads of sweat the size of golf balls are dripping down my husband's head. he's biting his nails. he asks the doctor if he should be calling people and the doctor says, "not yet".
an exam is performed and numbers like 0 cm and 40% are mentioned. 0 cm, that means no dilation, right? the doctors says i'm not in true labor. miraculously the blood pressure drops back down to normal, my husband's too. the nurse had drawn blood and ran tests on my urine that proved i was dehydrated. dehydration causes contractions. who knew? 3 hours later the contractions have moved to 10 minutes apart. they decide to release me.
should i be on bedrest? nope, continue with normal daily activities. does this mean the baby could come early, my husband asks? the nurse replies, "yes. he could come tomorrow or he could come in two weeks, but nevertheless, early."
and now the waiting begins. contractions are still there, not like they were before, but still there. pressure is so strong on my pelvic and lower back area. i wait. condensation from the water bottle i carry drips down my legs. i think my water broke. it hasn't. my husband makes me sleep on a towel. he makes me sit on a towel. i wait for my water to break. 2 BBQs are on our calendar over the next few weeks and my rsvp response is "maybe". i'm waiting to see if the baby comes. trying to plan something for my husband's birthday at the end of the month is impossible because i'm waiting to see if the baby comes.
september 5th, the actual due date, was fine with me. but now, being told he could come early, makes it that much harder. waiting......i can't wait to meet this little boy.
at the hospital, in a delivery room, i am told to pee in a cup and then i am hooked up to monitors. the nurse casually tells me the pain i am feeling is contractions. the room starts spinning for both me and my husband. two doctors come in along with the nurse pushing an iv cart and an ultra sound machine. a blood pressure strap is wrapped around my arm. questions like, "do you know the sex? do you want him circumcised? are you going to breastfeed? do you have a living will?" are thrown at me. an iv is stuck in my arm while the doctor does an ultrasound. my baby weighs 5 pounds 7 oz, he's in the proper position. the doctor says, "he's ready to come out." holy hell i'm having a baby! beads of sweat the size of golf balls are dripping down my husband's head. he's biting his nails. he asks the doctor if he should be calling people and the doctor says, "not yet".
an exam is performed and numbers like 0 cm and 40% are mentioned. 0 cm, that means no dilation, right? the doctors says i'm not in true labor. miraculously the blood pressure drops back down to normal, my husband's too. the nurse had drawn blood and ran tests on my urine that proved i was dehydrated. dehydration causes contractions. who knew? 3 hours later the contractions have moved to 10 minutes apart. they decide to release me.
should i be on bedrest? nope, continue with normal daily activities. does this mean the baby could come early, my husband asks? the nurse replies, "yes. he could come tomorrow or he could come in two weeks, but nevertheless, early."
and now the waiting begins. contractions are still there, not like they were before, but still there. pressure is so strong on my pelvic and lower back area. i wait. condensation from the water bottle i carry drips down my legs. i think my water broke. it hasn't. my husband makes me sleep on a towel. he makes me sit on a towel. i wait for my water to break. 2 BBQs are on our calendar over the next few weeks and my rsvp response is "maybe". i'm waiting to see if the baby comes. trying to plan something for my husband's birthday at the end of the month is impossible because i'm waiting to see if the baby comes.
september 5th, the actual due date, was fine with me. but now, being told he could come early, makes it that much harder. waiting......i can't wait to meet this little boy.
Friday, July 2, 2010
my gramps
i found out my grandpa hit a hole in one the other day while playing golf. he was two under par on four par threes. he shot eighty-two for the round. oh, did i mention he is eighty-nine years old? did i also mention this hole in one was his sixth in his lifetime? i would imagine that has to be some kind of record for someone who only plays golf in his spare time.
his sixth hole in one? i don't know why i felt such an overwhelming sense of pride, but i did. you see, my grandpa is sort of a legend at their local country club. he still holds the record for most club championships ever won, which i believe is sixteen. he is without a doubt the oldest man who plays regularly on the golf course. if you're ever looking for my grandpa and he isn't at home or tending to his roses in his garden, you can find him either on the driving range or the putting green practicing his game. this summer is the first summer in many years where he sat out on the country club's annual member/guest tournament. this tournament involves three consecutive days of golf, eighteen holes one day, twenty-seven holes the next, and eighteen holes the last day. all of this in usually ninety degree weather. the only reason he sat out this year was my grandmother fell ill a few days prior to the tournament and he had to back out of it.
once i heard the news of the hole in one i called him to congratulate him.
me: rumor has spread to new york you hit a hole in one the other day.
gramps: oh, you saw that in the new york times?
me: yes, it was on the front cover page!
gramps: how did my picture come out? i was a little worried because i wired it over to them.
gramps: did you tell your husband? what did he think of it?
me: yes! he couldn't believe it.
gramps: couldn't believe it? doesn't he know i've had six of them?
me: he does, and he's jealous because he would like to just have one in his lifetime, let alone six!
gramps: ha! tell him good luck with that.
me: what do you get these days for hitting a hole in one? they still can't give you a trophy, can they?
gramps: nope. they give you a $500 gift card to the golf shop. i need a $500 gift card to the golf shop like i need a hole in the head. i'll save it, and in ten years when you're little guy is ready for his first set of real golf clubs, his great grandpa will buy them for him.
and i have this strange feeling, that in ten years, my gramps will do just that.....
his sixth hole in one? i don't know why i felt such an overwhelming sense of pride, but i did. you see, my grandpa is sort of a legend at their local country club. he still holds the record for most club championships ever won, which i believe is sixteen. he is without a doubt the oldest man who plays regularly on the golf course. if you're ever looking for my grandpa and he isn't at home or tending to his roses in his garden, you can find him either on the driving range or the putting green practicing his game. this summer is the first summer in many years where he sat out on the country club's annual member/guest tournament. this tournament involves three consecutive days of golf, eighteen holes one day, twenty-seven holes the next, and eighteen holes the last day. all of this in usually ninety degree weather. the only reason he sat out this year was my grandmother fell ill a few days prior to the tournament and he had to back out of it.
once i heard the news of the hole in one i called him to congratulate him.
me: rumor has spread to new york you hit a hole in one the other day.
gramps: oh, you saw that in the new york times?
me: yes, it was on the front cover page!
gramps: how did my picture come out? i was a little worried because i wired it over to them.
gramps: did you tell your husband? what did he think of it?
me: yes! he couldn't believe it.
gramps: couldn't believe it? doesn't he know i've had six of them?
me: he does, and he's jealous because he would like to just have one in his lifetime, let alone six!
gramps: ha! tell him good luck with that.
me: what do you get these days for hitting a hole in one? they still can't give you a trophy, can they?
gramps: nope. they give you a $500 gift card to the golf shop. i need a $500 gift card to the golf shop like i need a hole in the head. i'll save it, and in ten years when you're little guy is ready for his first set of real golf clubs, his great grandpa will buy them for him.
and i have this strange feeling, that in ten years, my gramps will do just that.....
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
kicks
the original title to this post was going to be "bitch fest". lately i feel as if i have a lot to bitch about. my family is so fucked up we make the kardashians, the lohans, the osbournes, and every other crazy family out there, look like the fucking cleavers! i have very few friends, and the ones i do have i feel are slipping away, i can't relate to them anymore. i have an assistant who has been my assistant for two years and told me yesterday she doesn't know how to make or use an excel spreadsheet. i don't need the added work. the lease on my car is up in eight days and we have no idea what car we are going to get to replace it. everything we can afford, i don't like. speaking of affording things, i worry every night about finances. my husband and i both have great jobs making decent money and there are times where i feel as if we live paycheck to paycheck. i have a slight disdain for people. i find most of them pompous, arrogant, selfish and if i could live a life of solitude, i would.
maybe i'm just hormonal, i don't know, but on the subject of horomones, i'm thirty weeks pregnant. i still have ten weeks left and i'm miserable. i can't sit at my desk because my back hurts, i can't ride in a car because my back hurts, i can't ride the train because that means i have to sit, and well you guessed it, my back hurts. i don't mean it aches, i mean it feels like someone has taken a baseball bat and has beaten me repeatedly, to the point i want to cry. standing is the only thing that makes me feel better, but i can't stand too long because then my feet start to swell and then they start hurting. i wake up every morning with a numb right hand. the numbness continues throughout the day and makes it hard for me to do multiple things since i am right handed. my doctor tells me it's a sign of carpal tunnel syndrome. just another great perk to being pregnant. i have heartburn so bad it makes me not want to eat anything. which isn't good being that i'm pregnant and all. i want a glass of wine so badly i can taste it. not to get drunk, because that was oh so ten months ago, but to enjoy something cool, crisp and refreshing on these one hundred degree days. and that's something else, it's only june. so why in the hell does it feel like i live in the center of the equator?
i said to my husband in tears the other night, "i'm so done with being pregnant." i was almost angry when i said it. and then all of a sudden i feel a tremendous kick right in my ribs. i started laughing. hell yes that kick hurt, but it was this great reminder of the amazing tiny life i have growing inside of me. it's not his fault that i'm miserable. well, technically it is, but he didn't ask to be born. we were the ones who decided to conceive him and i should have known what i was getting in to. it's tremendous the amount of power these kicks have on me. everytime i feel one i instantly forget all the bad in the world and remember him. i forget what i'm pissed off about, what i'm mad about, who annoys me and why. i forget all of that. i'm going to be a mom. when he is born, it's not going to be about me anymore, it's going to be about him. and that's just fine. a crazy family, stupid people, financial issues, aches and pains will all go to the way side. i am going to have a little baby boy. he's all mine. something that just my husband and i created. he'll love me unconditionally and he will be all that matters in this world.
maybe i'm just hormonal, i don't know, but on the subject of horomones, i'm thirty weeks pregnant. i still have ten weeks left and i'm miserable. i can't sit at my desk because my back hurts, i can't ride in a car because my back hurts, i can't ride the train because that means i have to sit, and well you guessed it, my back hurts. i don't mean it aches, i mean it feels like someone has taken a baseball bat and has beaten me repeatedly, to the point i want to cry. standing is the only thing that makes me feel better, but i can't stand too long because then my feet start to swell and then they start hurting. i wake up every morning with a numb right hand. the numbness continues throughout the day and makes it hard for me to do multiple things since i am right handed. my doctor tells me it's a sign of carpal tunnel syndrome. just another great perk to being pregnant. i have heartburn so bad it makes me not want to eat anything. which isn't good being that i'm pregnant and all. i want a glass of wine so badly i can taste it. not to get drunk, because that was oh so ten months ago, but to enjoy something cool, crisp and refreshing on these one hundred degree days. and that's something else, it's only june. so why in the hell does it feel like i live in the center of the equator?
i said to my husband in tears the other night, "i'm so done with being pregnant." i was almost angry when i said it. and then all of a sudden i feel a tremendous kick right in my ribs. i started laughing. hell yes that kick hurt, but it was this great reminder of the amazing tiny life i have growing inside of me. it's not his fault that i'm miserable. well, technically it is, but he didn't ask to be born. we were the ones who decided to conceive him and i should have known what i was getting in to. it's tremendous the amount of power these kicks have on me. everytime i feel one i instantly forget all the bad in the world and remember him. i forget what i'm pissed off about, what i'm mad about, who annoys me and why. i forget all of that. i'm going to be a mom. when he is born, it's not going to be about me anymore, it's going to be about him. and that's just fine. a crazy family, stupid people, financial issues, aches and pains will all go to the way side. i am going to have a little baby boy. he's all mine. something that just my husband and i created. he'll love me unconditionally and he will be all that matters in this world.
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
memorial day memories
i don't know if it's impending motherhood or just getting older, but i recently find myself getting swept up in childhood nostalgia. memories that pop into my head, and i'm like, "whoa! where did that come from?" but it's nice, these trips down memory lane. they remind me of where i came from.
this past weekend, memorial day weekend, the start of summer, came and went. it was filled with yard work, bbqs with friends, and hot sunny summer weather. it was perfect. i asked my husband sunday morning if he knew who was on the poll for the race. he said, "what race?" i replied, "uh, only the biggest racing/sporting spectacular of the year? the indy 500!" he said, "maybe in indiana it's big, but not here." i didn't care what ny sports team was on that day, dammit i was going to watch the race. i turned on the tv just as jim nabors took the stage to sing 'back home again in indiana'. while he was dreaming about the moonlight on the wabash, i started daydreaming of race days past. i remember being a child, 5, 6, 7 years old. race day was a big day in our house. my father would hang the black and white checkered flags from our deck. i vaguely recall a sign saying "welcome race fans" hanging from our front porch. my brother and i were too young to go with our parents to the race so we would spend the night prior at our aunt and uncle's home (which was conveniently across the yard from our home). the group of race goers would meet at our home usually around 6:00 am. i could hear them in our driveway. the whole group seemed so excited and ready to go even at that hour of the morning. my brother and i would camp out in front of the tv watching the race. even if it was nice outside, my aunt had a hard time trying to lure us away. we knew once the race was over it would still be a few more hours until our parents got back home. we would play in the yard with our cousins until we saw our blue van roll into the driveway. i would run over to my dad and ask him who won the race, even though i already knew. he would tell me in his most excited voice like it was his favorite driver ever! i would always chuckle at how sunburned he would be with huge raccoon eyes. no self-respecting man would wear sunscreen, right? we would spend the rest of the evening playing in the backyard while my aunt and uncle had a bbq.
years passed and as we got older memories changed to bbqs and cocktail parties on our deck, just the four of us. my mother would request jimmy buffett music and my brother would inevitably put on some cd we didn't recognize. the nights would end with the feeding frenzy album where we would raise our cocktails and sing along with 'margaritaville'. it was indeed the official start of summer.
mary hulman-george has now said "ladies and gentlemen, start your engines" and i'm brought back to present day. and how times have changed. we had our bbq on monday. yes, the day before a work day which we used to never do. our 4 closets friends came with their children in tow. most of the afternoon revolved around them and taking pictures of them. the boys only played one round of horse shoes. we purchased 2 cases of beer and we have over a case left.
times are definitely a changin'. i look forward to the years to come where we'll create new memories. maybe i'll even take my child to the indy 500 one day or at least watch it with him on tv.
this past weekend, memorial day weekend, the start of summer, came and went. it was filled with yard work, bbqs with friends, and hot sunny summer weather. it was perfect. i asked my husband sunday morning if he knew who was on the poll for the race. he said, "what race?" i replied, "uh, only the biggest racing/sporting spectacular of the year? the indy 500!" he said, "maybe in indiana it's big, but not here." i didn't care what ny sports team was on that day, dammit i was going to watch the race. i turned on the tv just as jim nabors took the stage to sing 'back home again in indiana'. while he was dreaming about the moonlight on the wabash, i started daydreaming of race days past. i remember being a child, 5, 6, 7 years old. race day was a big day in our house. my father would hang the black and white checkered flags from our deck. i vaguely recall a sign saying "welcome race fans" hanging from our front porch. my brother and i were too young to go with our parents to the race so we would spend the night prior at our aunt and uncle's home (which was conveniently across the yard from our home). the group of race goers would meet at our home usually around 6:00 am. i could hear them in our driveway. the whole group seemed so excited and ready to go even at that hour of the morning. my brother and i would camp out in front of the tv watching the race. even if it was nice outside, my aunt had a hard time trying to lure us away. we knew once the race was over it would still be a few more hours until our parents got back home. we would play in the yard with our cousins until we saw our blue van roll into the driveway. i would run over to my dad and ask him who won the race, even though i already knew. he would tell me in his most excited voice like it was his favorite driver ever! i would always chuckle at how sunburned he would be with huge raccoon eyes. no self-respecting man would wear sunscreen, right? we would spend the rest of the evening playing in the backyard while my aunt and uncle had a bbq.
years passed and as we got older memories changed to bbqs and cocktail parties on our deck, just the four of us. my mother would request jimmy buffett music and my brother would inevitably put on some cd we didn't recognize. the nights would end with the feeding frenzy album where we would raise our cocktails and sing along with 'margaritaville'. it was indeed the official start of summer.
mary hulman-george has now said "ladies and gentlemen, start your engines" and i'm brought back to present day. and how times have changed. we had our bbq on monday. yes, the day before a work day which we used to never do. our 4 closets friends came with their children in tow. most of the afternoon revolved around them and taking pictures of them. the boys only played one round of horse shoes. we purchased 2 cases of beer and we have over a case left.
times are definitely a changin'. i look forward to the years to come where we'll create new memories. maybe i'll even take my child to the indy 500 one day or at least watch it with him on tv.
Thursday, May 20, 2010
dear baby
all of the websites and books say i should start a pregnancy journal or do a time capsule for you to open 20 years from now. instead i thought i would write you a letter. it's funny saying, "dear baby", we already know your name, in fact we knew it before we even knew you were coming into this world. we call you by name in the comforts of our home, when no one is around. can you hear us? your daddy has the habit of pressing his mouth right against my belly in hopes you can hear him better. it sounds awfully fuzzy to me, i can only imagine what it sounds like to you. i hope you like your name. i already know it's going to suit you perfectly. as of now, we're keeping it to ourselves. as you'll find out in a few years, we have a very opinionated family, and the last thing your daddy and i want is to hear every one's opinions on what your name should be. it's a secret only the three of us know.
so, a little about your parents. hi, i'm your mom. i'm thirty years old, will be thirty-one when you arrive. i'm originally from indiana. i moved out east eight years ago. i can't believe it's been that long already! i met your daddy six years ago and we will be married for two years when you get here in september. your grandma died 8 1/2 years ago of cancer. gosh i wish she could meet you. she would absolutely love you to pieces. she's in heaven now and is watching over you as i write. she'll be a great guardian angel. your grandpa still lives in batesville, indiana (that's where i grew up). your uncle lives in los angeles. they are both so excited to meet you.
i work for a company called miele. i sell appliances. boring, right? i work in manhattan on 58th street and as boring as appliances may sound, i love my job. i hope you will understand when i have to go back to work after you are born. your daddy just started a new job with villeroy and boch. both companies are german. speaking of, he's leaving for germany next week and it will be just me and you, and the dog.
oh, we have a yellow labrador. she'll be 13 years old this fall. her name is bacardi. she's the sweetest thing ever and i know she'll be quite protective over you. she's getting older by the day. i hope she sticks around long enough for you to really enjoy her, because i think the two of you will have a great time together.
right now we live in mount vernon, ny. we bought our home 3 years ago. it's been a work in progress. currently, the room under construction is your room! i can't wait for you to see it. so far it's just perfect and it's not even completely done. we painted the walls blue, of course, since you are a boy, but it's the perfect shade. not too bright, not too light. i hope you'll feel comfortable there and right at home.
i'm almost twenty-five weeks, which means in fifteen weeks you are supposed to come in to this world! over the past couple of weeks you have become very rambunctious, and i wouldn't have it any other way. i love it! it's a reminder to me that you're doing okay. even in the middle of the night when i wake up, you give me a little tap letting me know you're there. thank you. the first time i felt you really move, i was in the bathtub. you gave me a nice little kick! i first thought you were telling me the water was too hot, and i immediately got out of the tub. but, your kicks continued after that. your daddy was a bit jealous at first because he couldn't feel them, but finally on mother's day you gave us your best kick and he felt it! happy mother's day to me! now, we can actually see you kick, it's the coolest thing ever. your daddy thinks it means you're going to be a soccer player. your grandpa hopes your arms are moving and that you're going to be a quarterback. we'll love you no matter what sport you play.
surprisingly enough, i'm not scared of your arrival. actually, i can't wait for it to get here. i've already imagined you in my mind, a beautiful little boy. it doesn't matter to me who you look like either. of course, i would love for you to look like me, but i would be happy if you looked like your daddy. i can't wait to hold you in my arms. stare at you, completely amazed that you are a creation of me and your daddy. amazed that i carried you in my belly for forty weeks. hoping that i provided the proper nourishment and a safe place to grow.
you'll have to forgive me if i don't get it quite right in the beginning. it's my first time being a mom, you know, so please bear with me. i'm going to do my best.
that's it for now. enjoy the apple i'm eating at this moment and i'll see you in fifteen weeks.
i love you.
love,
your mom
so, a little about your parents. hi, i'm your mom. i'm thirty years old, will be thirty-one when you arrive. i'm originally from indiana. i moved out east eight years ago. i can't believe it's been that long already! i met your daddy six years ago and we will be married for two years when you get here in september. your grandma died 8 1/2 years ago of cancer. gosh i wish she could meet you. she would absolutely love you to pieces. she's in heaven now and is watching over you as i write. she'll be a great guardian angel. your grandpa still lives in batesville, indiana (that's where i grew up). your uncle lives in los angeles. they are both so excited to meet you.
i work for a company called miele. i sell appliances. boring, right? i work in manhattan on 58th street and as boring as appliances may sound, i love my job. i hope you will understand when i have to go back to work after you are born. your daddy just started a new job with villeroy and boch. both companies are german. speaking of, he's leaving for germany next week and it will be just me and you, and the dog.
oh, we have a yellow labrador. she'll be 13 years old this fall. her name is bacardi. she's the sweetest thing ever and i know she'll be quite protective over you. she's getting older by the day. i hope she sticks around long enough for you to really enjoy her, because i think the two of you will have a great time together.
right now we live in mount vernon, ny. we bought our home 3 years ago. it's been a work in progress. currently, the room under construction is your room! i can't wait for you to see it. so far it's just perfect and it's not even completely done. we painted the walls blue, of course, since you are a boy, but it's the perfect shade. not too bright, not too light. i hope you'll feel comfortable there and right at home.
i'm almost twenty-five weeks, which means in fifteen weeks you are supposed to come in to this world! over the past couple of weeks you have become very rambunctious, and i wouldn't have it any other way. i love it! it's a reminder to me that you're doing okay. even in the middle of the night when i wake up, you give me a little tap letting me know you're there. thank you. the first time i felt you really move, i was in the bathtub. you gave me a nice little kick! i first thought you were telling me the water was too hot, and i immediately got out of the tub. but, your kicks continued after that. your daddy was a bit jealous at first because he couldn't feel them, but finally on mother's day you gave us your best kick and he felt it! happy mother's day to me! now, we can actually see you kick, it's the coolest thing ever. your daddy thinks it means you're going to be a soccer player. your grandpa hopes your arms are moving and that you're going to be a quarterback. we'll love you no matter what sport you play.
surprisingly enough, i'm not scared of your arrival. actually, i can't wait for it to get here. i've already imagined you in my mind, a beautiful little boy. it doesn't matter to me who you look like either. of course, i would love for you to look like me, but i would be happy if you looked like your daddy. i can't wait to hold you in my arms. stare at you, completely amazed that you are a creation of me and your daddy. amazed that i carried you in my belly for forty weeks. hoping that i provided the proper nourishment and a safe place to grow.
you'll have to forgive me if i don't get it quite right in the beginning. it's my first time being a mom, you know, so please bear with me. i'm going to do my best.
that's it for now. enjoy the apple i'm eating at this moment and i'll see you in fifteen weeks.
i love you.
love,
your mom
Monday, April 19, 2010
love
it's impossible for me to put into words how much i love my husband. there really isn't a great way to say it. it's all emotions, feelings. it's going to bed next to him at night, waking up at 3:00 am and grabbing his hand to know he's still there, he gently squeezes my hand in return to let me know he's not going anywhere. it's being at a crowded party where i glance across the room and meet his eyes at the exact same time. wishing i was next to him, but knowing it's okay that i'm not. it's lying in a field of grass together on a sunny day, not a cloud in the sky. we don't need to say anything, we let the world revolve around us because in that moment, we are the only two people in the whole world. it's giving up a first class seat on a flight back home because they only had one seat and not two. it's being 5 months pregnant, feeling ugly, as i am walking out the door to go to work, my husband tells me i look "yummy". he instantly puts a smile on my face and makes monday morning not seem too bad.
this past weekend i met my husband in chicago. it was one of the best weekends ever. he was there on business, i was there on leisure. we didn't get to spend all that much time together, but the time we did spend, was quality. i would drag my lazy pregnant ass out of bed each morning to join him for breakfast. we would romantically meet each other in the lobby at the end of the day for a drink at the bar and then go to dinner or a party. i did my best on saturday to get "dolled" up for him. it's hard looking sexy in a maternity dress, but when he saw me all dressed up, his face lit up and he told me repeatedly i looked hot. this is the highest compliment you can receive from my husband, being told you look "hot".
we had a great time that evening at a party. he has so many new opportunities coming his way and i couldn't be any more proud of him. he'll succeed at any endeavor he takes on. after the party, we met up with a few of his co-workers. he introduced me to everyone and i was so happy to be introduced as wife. i was elated to be on his arm and have him call me his wife and i call him my husband.
sunday afternoon was a day of leisure. we strolled through millenium park in chicago which is absolutely beautiful. we held hands, we wrapped our arms around each other's waists, we stopped and kissed. we laid in a grassy field, my head on his stomach, and we both fell asleep for only a few minutes. it was what i like to call, "pure bliss".
i'm back to the grind today and i miss him. i can't wait to get home tonight and give him a huge hug and kiss. i can't wait to tell him how much i love him. i know i'm not the perfect wife, but i try my best. i hope he knows how much i love him and if he doesn't, i'll just keep trying until he does know.
this past weekend i met my husband in chicago. it was one of the best weekends ever. he was there on business, i was there on leisure. we didn't get to spend all that much time together, but the time we did spend, was quality. i would drag my lazy pregnant ass out of bed each morning to join him for breakfast. we would romantically meet each other in the lobby at the end of the day for a drink at the bar and then go to dinner or a party. i did my best on saturday to get "dolled" up for him. it's hard looking sexy in a maternity dress, but when he saw me all dressed up, his face lit up and he told me repeatedly i looked hot. this is the highest compliment you can receive from my husband, being told you look "hot".
we had a great time that evening at a party. he has so many new opportunities coming his way and i couldn't be any more proud of him. he'll succeed at any endeavor he takes on. after the party, we met up with a few of his co-workers. he introduced me to everyone and i was so happy to be introduced as wife. i was elated to be on his arm and have him call me his wife and i call him my husband.
sunday afternoon was a day of leisure. we strolled through millenium park in chicago which is absolutely beautiful. we held hands, we wrapped our arms around each other's waists, we stopped and kissed. we laid in a grassy field, my head on his stomach, and we both fell asleep for only a few minutes. it was what i like to call, "pure bliss".
i'm back to the grind today and i miss him. i can't wait to get home tonight and give him a huge hug and kiss. i can't wait to tell him how much i love him. i know i'm not the perfect wife, but i try my best. i hope he knows how much i love him and if he doesn't, i'll just keep trying until he does know.
Sunday, April 11, 2010
Adventures in Babysitting
my husband and i recently babysat for our best friends' 3 month old, drew. it was our first time babysitting together, the first time i have babysat since i was probably 13 years old and our first time alone with this little guy. since we are impending parents, not only did we want the babysitting adventure to be a success since he's the son of our best friends, but it was kind of a test of our parenting skills.
i like to say this quietly, but in my opinion, drew is the best baby i have ever met. i say it quietly because i don't want my little bun in the oven boy to get upset, but he's such a good baby! our night went as such.....
mom and dad left and me and my husband took over. he hung out on the couch with us while we watched the end of the masters. he laid on the floor surrounded by this god-awful colorful thing and listened to the porn-like music it played. anytime i would take a peek at him, he would break into the biggest smile as if to say, "hey! nice to see ya, wanna listen to some music?" we moved him from his mat, because in all honesty, i just couldn't take the music anymore. we tried to get him to roll over, but no such luck. he got soooo close, but couldn't do it. the 2nd or 3rd time we would aid in pushing him over and then erupt into a big "yay!! you did it!" he looked at us like, "what the hell?" my husband tried to get him to walk. he felt slightly defeated when i told him drew was too young to walk, but it didn't matter, drew loved the action. it was cute to see him use his chubby little legs! we put him in his bumbo chair where drooly drew (as his mama calls him) drooled all down the front of himself, soaking his shirt. finally after a fun 2 hours of action, he fell asleep in my husband's arms. i've gotta admit, there is nothing cuter than seeing a baby sleep in your hubby's arms.
bedtime was, let's say, a learning experience. we took this little angel up to his room and went through his whole bedtime routine. it was my favorite part of the evening. he looked at me with his big eyes as if to say, "you're doing a great job! thanks for taking care of me this evening." he was all set in his pjs when i went to give him his bottle. we rocked in the chair while i fed him, drew continued to stare at me with those eyes, a big smile on his face. he pushed the bottle away which his mom told me was a sign he was done. i noticed he didn't eat much, but his mom also said he may not since she fed him earlier. i put drew up on my shoulder and gently patted his back. he released a burp that i swear would challenge my 31 year old husband's burps. ok, he must be set. i decided to rock him a little more before i put him in his crib and all of a sudden he started wailing! screeches that i've never heard come from this baby or for that matter any baby. i rocked him. nope. i bounced back and forth. nope. i did shhhh, shhhh sounds. nope. nothing seemed to work. finally my husband stepped in and i asked him to try. he took him, sat back in the rocker, tried to feed him again, and.....silence. i've gotta admit, i was a little heartbroken my husband was able to solve the problem, but more relieved the poor thing stopped crying. 10 minutes later the wails started again. my husband came downstairs and said, "i think something is wrong with this bottle, it's as if nothing is coming out of it." i compared it to the other bottle that was left for us and sure enough they were the exact same amount, still full. it must have been my motherly instinct, because i instantly removed the nipple part to see that a white cap was blocking any liquid from getting out. i reassembled the bottle, gave it back to my husband and drew started downing the liquid. no wonder the little sweetheart was crying, he was hungry!
side note: in our instructions from the mom, she did say to remove the white cap from the bottle. i thought she assumed we had no idea what we were doing and was telling us to remove the obvious white cap on top of the bottle, not that there was another one inside!!
after the bottle was gone, my husband put him in his crib. we were successful, but i felt slightly defeated. i wanted to be the one to put the little one to sleep. a little bit later, drew starts whimpering, slightly crying. i wanted to redeem myself, so i said to my husband with the utmost confidence, "i've got this one." i gave the little guy his pacifier, turned back on his sleep sheep, rubbed his chest for a moment and he fell into dreamland. i'm fairly sure he even gave me a smile before he fell asleep. i couldn't tell because, you know, it was dark and all. so technically, i was the one who got him to sleep.
all and all our first adventure in babysitting was a great success! i wanted to make sure however, drew wasn't going to remember that i was the one who put him into a crying fit. his parents reassured me, no, but just in case, i'm going to have to babysit him again. i told his mom last night it's amazing to me how much i love that little guy and he's not even mine. i can't imagine how much i'm going to love the little baby growing inside of me! i can't wait for the two of them to become best buds and for drew to teach his little cousin everything he knows. hell, drew has already taught me some things of my own about parenting.
thanks drew! it was a fun night....
Thursday, April 8, 2010
Interpreting Dreams
i recently made mention of dreams i have had saying i was having a boy. and i am now having a boy! so the other night when i had a dream of actually giving birth to this boy i paid close attention to the details of the dream and woke myself up instantly to remember them. here's what happened:
...my husband and i were at the hospital, me ready to give birth. the birth was instant and happened within seconds. i didn't feel any pain, no soreness, no nothing. he shot out of me like a canon! i was in shock it happened so fast! i asked my husband, "did the doctor even come in here?" he told me the doctor did come in, but the labor was so quick he didn't have to do anything. i laid in bed holding our new born baby, staring in amazement at his beauty and how i couldn't believe my husband and i produced something as gorgeous as he! then the family arrived, well most of the family. my mother-in-law, my 2 cousins, my brother and my father. my mother-in-law was the first to hold him. she was holding him as if he was 6 months old, bouncing him around and tossing him in the air, while my baby's head/neck flopped around mercilessly. i urged my husband to please take the baby away from her. then one of my cousins tried feeding him cheese and crackers. she was stuffing them into his mouth. i screamed at her that he's barely and hour old and she can't be feeding him cheese and crackers! my other cousin told us she hated his name. and then there were my brother and father, both just staring at him like they have never seen anything like him before. (which i guess maybe they haven't.) they were so happy to welcome into this world their first nephew and grandson. after everyone left the nurse took him to get weighed. when she came back i asked her his weight. she sounded like the teacher from the Peanuts, whaah, whah, whah, whhaah, whaahh. she was german and my husband told me we would find out sooner or later on the birth certificate. then i woke up.......
how realistic! i remember in the dream when i was first holding him i told him i knew i was dreaming but if he could just be so kind and make labor in september as easy as it was in my dream that would be awesome. recently i saw my mother-in-law holding a young baby as if he could hold his head up properly. so it's no surprise that would be the one thing i was concerned about with her holding him in the dream. the 2 cousins in the dream, well, uh, let's just say the dream was fitting. and as for my brother and father, i think they can't wait to meet this little guy. to love him as much as they possibly can and to teach him everything they know about this big big world. when i woke up, i remember being disappointed that i couldn't understand what the nurse said about his weight. i was hoping to hear something and remember it to see how close the dream weight was to his real weight.
each day i am astonished by the amount of love i feel for this baby boy and i haven't even met him yet. after my dream i loved him even more than i did the day before. i can't wait to meet him. i'm anxious to see what he looks like. i'm excited to see when his personality will develop. i just want to hold him in my arms and say, "hi! i'm your mommy. and i'm going to try my hardest to be the absolute best mom i can be to you.......just bare with me."
...my husband and i were at the hospital, me ready to give birth. the birth was instant and happened within seconds. i didn't feel any pain, no soreness, no nothing. he shot out of me like a canon! i was in shock it happened so fast! i asked my husband, "did the doctor even come in here?" he told me the doctor did come in, but the labor was so quick he didn't have to do anything. i laid in bed holding our new born baby, staring in amazement at his beauty and how i couldn't believe my husband and i produced something as gorgeous as he! then the family arrived, well most of the family. my mother-in-law, my 2 cousins, my brother and my father. my mother-in-law was the first to hold him. she was holding him as if he was 6 months old, bouncing him around and tossing him in the air, while my baby's head/neck flopped around mercilessly. i urged my husband to please take the baby away from her. then one of my cousins tried feeding him cheese and crackers. she was stuffing them into his mouth. i screamed at her that he's barely and hour old and she can't be feeding him cheese and crackers! my other cousin told us she hated his name. and then there were my brother and father, both just staring at him like they have never seen anything like him before. (which i guess maybe they haven't.) they were so happy to welcome into this world their first nephew and grandson. after everyone left the nurse took him to get weighed. when she came back i asked her his weight. she sounded like the teacher from the Peanuts, whaah, whah, whah, whhaah, whaahh. she was german and my husband told me we would find out sooner or later on the birth certificate. then i woke up.......
how realistic! i remember in the dream when i was first holding him i told him i knew i was dreaming but if he could just be so kind and make labor in september as easy as it was in my dream that would be awesome. recently i saw my mother-in-law holding a young baby as if he could hold his head up properly. so it's no surprise that would be the one thing i was concerned about with her holding him in the dream. the 2 cousins in the dream, well, uh, let's just say the dream was fitting. and as for my brother and father, i think they can't wait to meet this little guy. to love him as much as they possibly can and to teach him everything they know about this big big world. when i woke up, i remember being disappointed that i couldn't understand what the nurse said about his weight. i was hoping to hear something and remember it to see how close the dream weight was to his real weight.
each day i am astonished by the amount of love i feel for this baby boy and i haven't even met him yet. after my dream i loved him even more than i did the day before. i can't wait to meet him. i'm anxious to see what he looks like. i'm excited to see when his personality will develop. i just want to hold him in my arms and say, "hi! i'm your mommy. and i'm going to try my hardest to be the absolute best mom i can be to you.......just bare with me."
Thursday, April 1, 2010
Faith
each night i say a prayer when I go to bed. "now i lay me down to sleep, i pray the lord my soul to keep......" the same prayer i have been saying since i was old enough to recite one. i pray for the safety and health of the baby boy i am carrying inside me. i pray for a healthy pregnancy. i pray my mother's parenting skills have rubbed off on me. i pray for my cousins children. i pray for my dad's sobriety. i pray my brother finds happiness. i pray for my 90 year old grandparents' health too. i ask him to tell my mother i said hello and i miss her every day.
there is a saying in a song that says, "i'm praying to a God i don't believe in." whatever gets you through, right? i've struggled with my faith since the death of my mother. i prayed my ass off while she was sick. praying she would get better, praying she wouldn't die, praying i would be able to get through it. and not a single one of those things happend. she didn't get better, she died, and i still haven't gotten through it.
i am almost 31 years old and am going to be a mother come september. how can i not practice some sort of faith while raising a child? what if something happens to him? what if he gets sick? who would i turn to for help? would it even matter?
my father recently called me while i was at work. he never calls me during the work day. he tells me he has great news and he had to tell someone, so he called me. the judge came back with a number for his divorce settlement. the number he came back with was well below the number his ex-wife was suing him for! phew! i could hear the relief and happiness in my dad's voice. suddenly my shoulders felt about 50 pounds lighter. of course i will still worry about his sobriety, but it's one less thing that could set my dad back off the wagon. i think he's been unhappy for quite some time and it's his turn to experience life and happiness.
the other day i received an email from my brother telling me he has started seeing a therapist. FINALLY! he has been unhappy for such a long time and is just one more person in my life who deserves to find happiness. my brother hasn't been himself for a very long time, probably since my mother died, if not before. therapy has always been a taboo thing in my family. you have issues? so does everyone else in this family. sweep them under the carpet like we have done for the past 60 years and you'll be good to go. therapy did wonders for me and i've been telling my brother to screw the stigma of seeing a shrink and GO SEE ONE! he tells me the therapist read him in the first 10 minutes he was there. he thinks the therapist will be good for him. it's going to take a while to peel all the layers my brother has built up around him, but once those layers are gone, i will have the brother i once knew back.
monday i had another sonogram. this one was called the "anatomy test" where they do a full body scan on the baby to see if all of his organs are progressing the way they should be progressing. the doctor told me i have one beautiful healthy baby boy growing inside of me and my pregnancy is absolutely perfect.
tonight my husband has a 3rd interview for a new job. he doesn't need this job, he already has one, which takes the pressure off. however, this job is offering more money and better opportunities. with a baby on the way in 5 months it never hurts to get offered more money. i'm so proud of him regardless of what happens.
so, are we just crossing a lucky patch? or is there someone out there that is really watching over us? someone that is really answering our prayers? will we ever know? who knows. but for now, i'm going to keep saying every night, "now i lay me down to sleep......" and see where my faith takes me.
there is a saying in a song that says, "i'm praying to a God i don't believe in." whatever gets you through, right? i've struggled with my faith since the death of my mother. i prayed my ass off while she was sick. praying she would get better, praying she wouldn't die, praying i would be able to get through it. and not a single one of those things happend. she didn't get better, she died, and i still haven't gotten through it.
i am almost 31 years old and am going to be a mother come september. how can i not practice some sort of faith while raising a child? what if something happens to him? what if he gets sick? who would i turn to for help? would it even matter?
my father recently called me while i was at work. he never calls me during the work day. he tells me he has great news and he had to tell someone, so he called me. the judge came back with a number for his divorce settlement. the number he came back with was well below the number his ex-wife was suing him for! phew! i could hear the relief and happiness in my dad's voice. suddenly my shoulders felt about 50 pounds lighter. of course i will still worry about his sobriety, but it's one less thing that could set my dad back off the wagon. i think he's been unhappy for quite some time and it's his turn to experience life and happiness.
the other day i received an email from my brother telling me he has started seeing a therapist. FINALLY! he has been unhappy for such a long time and is just one more person in my life who deserves to find happiness. my brother hasn't been himself for a very long time, probably since my mother died, if not before. therapy has always been a taboo thing in my family. you have issues? so does everyone else in this family. sweep them under the carpet like we have done for the past 60 years and you'll be good to go. therapy did wonders for me and i've been telling my brother to screw the stigma of seeing a shrink and GO SEE ONE! he tells me the therapist read him in the first 10 minutes he was there. he thinks the therapist will be good for him. it's going to take a while to peel all the layers my brother has built up around him, but once those layers are gone, i will have the brother i once knew back.
monday i had another sonogram. this one was called the "anatomy test" where they do a full body scan on the baby to see if all of his organs are progressing the way they should be progressing. the doctor told me i have one beautiful healthy baby boy growing inside of me and my pregnancy is absolutely perfect.
tonight my husband has a 3rd interview for a new job. he doesn't need this job, he already has one, which takes the pressure off. however, this job is offering more money and better opportunities. with a baby on the way in 5 months it never hurts to get offered more money. i'm so proud of him regardless of what happens.
so, are we just crossing a lucky patch? or is there someone out there that is really watching over us? someone that is really answering our prayers? will we ever know? who knows. but for now, i'm going to keep saying every night, "now i lay me down to sleep......" and see where my faith takes me.
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
Vacation
77 weeks ago was the last real vacation my husband and I went on. It was for our honeymoon. We went to Hawaii for 2 weeks and it was the best vacation either one of us went on. It was filled with taking in breathtaking views, relaxing by the pool, playing in the ocean, getting massages, and drinking mai tais....lots of them. 
77 weeks later, here in New York City it is cold, bitterly cold. It's 35 degrees with wind gusts of up to 31 mph. It's raining, pouring rain. Over the past 2 days we have accumulated over 5" of rain, and it's supposed to continue to rain tomorrow. Everything is flooded. It's hard to drive your car anywhere, all the parkways are closed. It's hard to walk down the sidewalk because the driving rain continues to hit you in the face even with your golf-sized umbrella. I ju
st walked half of a block to the deli and suddenly became Mary Freaking Poppins as the wind took my umbrella up into the air and I felt like my feet were dangling 12" above the pavement!
st walked half of a block to the deli and suddenly became Mary Freaking Poppins as the wind took my umbrella up into the air and I felt like my feet were dangling 12" above the pavement!I hate this weather, and I act like I'm not used to it. I am, I grew up in the mid-west where the weather was basically the same as it is in New York. I understand the Springtime is supposed to be rainy, but freezing cold and rainy? How are these April showers going to produce any May flowers when the temperatures don't go above 40? This weather depresses me. I have a 10 block walk from Grand Central Terminal to my office. It takes me 10 minutes. It normally gives me time to think and relax before I start my work day. Not today! I was more stressed out from battling the wind, rain, and random umbrellas poking me in the face than anything else! I was almost in tears. I was thinking when is this shit of a season going to end? Is there any end in sight?
In 43 days my husband and I are leaving for Fort Lauderdale, Florida, and I can not wait. It's not that Fort Lauderdale excites me, it's more about the fact of getting away. Sure we've been away on short little weekends, but I mean really truly get away from NYC.
I want to go somewhere warm, a place with a beach where I can rest my feet in the sand. A place where the palm trees provide minimal shade around the pool so I can soak up the warm sun at all hours of the day. A place where I can kick back and order a fruity drink with an umbrella and drink it at my leisure, but not too slowly because it's so warm the ice melts. A place where at night when the sun has gone down, it's still warm, but you need a light sweater to keep the sunburn chill away. A place where I can be me, no worries, no fake fronts, no emails, no cell phones, just me and my husband and the warm warm sun.
I want to go somewhere warm, a place with a beach where I can rest my feet in the sand. A place where the palm trees provide minimal shade around the pool so I can soak up the warm sun at all hours of the day. A place where I can kick back and order a fruity drink with an umbrella and drink it at my leisure, but not too slowly because it's so warm the ice melts. A place where at night when the sun has gone down, it's still warm, but you need a light sweater to keep the sunburn chill away. A place where I can be me, no worries, no fake fronts, no emails, no cell phones, just me and my husband and the warm warm sun.Wednesday, March 17, 2010
A Little Boy
"It's a Boy? It's a Boy?? It's a BOY!" After 16 weeks of waiting. After 16 weeks of calling him an 'It', we finally know that come September we are going to be blessed with a little boy. I have had 2 dreams in the past couple of weeks saying it was going to be a boy. I felt like it was going to be a boy. I guess a mother really does know.
A little boy. I can't believe it. I can't stop smiling. I can't stop imagining what he is going to look like. Will he look like me? Will he look like my husband? Will he be a perfect combination of the two of us? Whose personality will he take on? I have to admit I would love for him to look like me and have the demeanor and personality of his dad. Although if he looks like his dad, that would be just fine too.
A little boy. I've spent the past 24 hours trying out the name we have chosen for him, making sure it sounds perfect. I have bought him his first newborn outfit and bought him a Mets t-shirt for him to wear come next spring. I've researched nursery ideas, something slightly bright to stimulate his senses, but not too bright that it's overwhelming. I want him to grow up in the perfect atmosphere. I've told our closest friends and family we are having a little boy. I've even told not so close friends he's a boy and everyone says the same thing, "Boys are the best!" I told a random client. She told me she had 2 boys now the age of 21 and 23 and they are still the loves of her life. "Boys are the best!"
A little boy. It all of a sudden seems more real than it ever did. Wow! We are having a baby. Not just any baby, but an adorable little bundle of joy, a boy. I talked to him last night. I told him I hope I'm keeping him nice and safe and warm and cozy in there. I told him I can't wait to meet him and I am amazed that he is already the love of my life. I told him I hope to be the best mom I can be.
A little boy. My mom's first child was a boy. She was also morning sick like I was with her first child. Am I taking after her? I can only hope. I can only hope to be half the mom she was to me and my brother. I wish she was here to meet him. He would bring her so much happiness and joy. Instead, I know my little angel boy has his very own special guardian angel up in heaven watching over him. He will indeed be safe.
Friday, February 19, 2010
A Male-Dominated Industry
You've been waiting to speak to your boss all day. You have big news to tell him. He arrives in the showroom right at 5:00 pm. You have a work event that night. You can't decide if you're excited or scared to death to tell him. Probably a little bit of both. 2 other colleagues are there for the event as well. One of them is your best guy friend. You also want to tell him your big news. You haven't told him yet out of respect for your boss. You think he should be the first to know. All of you are setting up for the event. Your boss suggests opening a bottle of wine. He does and goes to pour you a glass. You say, "No thank you." Someone says, "Wow! I think hell just froze over. You turned down a glass of wine!" You laugh and continue to work. You know you can't wait much longer to tell him.
The other 2 colleagues are summoned away on an ice run. You think this is the time. You call your boss into your office and say you have something to tell him. You can see the panic on his face. You blurt out, "I'm pregnant!" Now you can see the uncomfortableness on his face. He has told you before he hates the word pregnant. You have tried for weeks to think of another way to say it, but couldn't come up with anything. He tells you he figured something was up since you turned down a glass of wine. You assure him you will continue to do a great job and how much you love doing what you do. He says he knows. He gives you an awkward hug, says his congratulations and goes about the evening.
Your friend comes back from the ice run and tries to get you to have a glass of wine with him. It's kind of a ritual, the 2 of you always drink together. You feel bad as you can tell he thinks something is wrong. Now that you have told your boss you shouldn't leave him in the dark anymore. You tell him you have news for him. He says, "Good or bad?" You say, "I think it's good, you're going to think it's bad." He says, "You're pregnant." The word pregnant was not said with excitement. You laugh because most people wouldn't consider being pregnant as bad news. You tell him yes you indeed are pregnant and he asks "why you had to go and do that for?" He says he thinks things will change between the 2 of you. He thinks you won't be friends anymore. He says you'll change and always run home after work events to take care of your kid. You laugh and tell him, yes, things will change. That usually happens when you have a baby, but it doesn't mean you won't be friends anymore. He gives you a half-hearted congrats with a pat on the back and walks away.
You're hurt. You just told one of your closest friends you are expecting a baby! A time in your life that should be exciting and he makes you feel guilty about it. Throughout the course of the evening he refers to your situation as a predicament. A predicament? He thinks your pregnancy is a predicament? Well fuck him. That's what you say when you get pissed off and hurt. Fuck him. Yes, you're pregnant, but it doesn't mean you will be turning into a foreign alien that doesn't know how to function or communicate. You're fairly sure you will still be able to be a good friend to someone while you're pregnant and after you have the baby. However, if the only reason your friend wants to be your friend is so you guys can go out and have a few beers together, then maybe you don't want to be his friend after all.
You find the reactions odd. You're pregnant! Everyone should be excited? Is it because they're men and they don't know the appropriate response? Then how come other men you know have given you the same warm and fuzzy response that women give you? Is it because they're selfish. Yes that's it, they are selfish. Change isn't good, change is bad, and you're upsetting their world with your news. They don't care about you, they care about how this is going to effect them.
You hope they will eventually come around and be happy for you. But if they don't? Well, who cares. All you know is you have this amazing life growing inside of you that you love more and more each day. And come 9/5/10, you will get to meet this little life and nothing else will matter.
The other 2 colleagues are summoned away on an ice run. You think this is the time. You call your boss into your office and say you have something to tell him. You can see the panic on his face. You blurt out, "I'm pregnant!" Now you can see the uncomfortableness on his face. He has told you before he hates the word pregnant. You have tried for weeks to think of another way to say it, but couldn't come up with anything. He tells you he figured something was up since you turned down a glass of wine. You assure him you will continue to do a great job and how much you love doing what you do. He says he knows. He gives you an awkward hug, says his congratulations and goes about the evening.
Your friend comes back from the ice run and tries to get you to have a glass of wine with him. It's kind of a ritual, the 2 of you always drink together. You feel bad as you can tell he thinks something is wrong. Now that you have told your boss you shouldn't leave him in the dark anymore. You tell him you have news for him. He says, "Good or bad?" You say, "I think it's good, you're going to think it's bad." He says, "You're pregnant." The word pregnant was not said with excitement. You laugh because most people wouldn't consider being pregnant as bad news. You tell him yes you indeed are pregnant and he asks "why you had to go and do that for?" He says he thinks things will change between the 2 of you. He thinks you won't be friends anymore. He says you'll change and always run home after work events to take care of your kid. You laugh and tell him, yes, things will change. That usually happens when you have a baby, but it doesn't mean you won't be friends anymore. He gives you a half-hearted congrats with a pat on the back and walks away.
You're hurt. You just told one of your closest friends you are expecting a baby! A time in your life that should be exciting and he makes you feel guilty about it. Throughout the course of the evening he refers to your situation as a predicament. A predicament? He thinks your pregnancy is a predicament? Well fuck him. That's what you say when you get pissed off and hurt. Fuck him. Yes, you're pregnant, but it doesn't mean you will be turning into a foreign alien that doesn't know how to function or communicate. You're fairly sure you will still be able to be a good friend to someone while you're pregnant and after you have the baby. However, if the only reason your friend wants to be your friend is so you guys can go out and have a few beers together, then maybe you don't want to be his friend after all.
You find the reactions odd. You're pregnant! Everyone should be excited? Is it because they're men and they don't know the appropriate response? Then how come other men you know have given you the same warm and fuzzy response that women give you? Is it because they're selfish. Yes that's it, they are selfish. Change isn't good, change is bad, and you're upsetting their world with your news. They don't care about you, they care about how this is going to effect them.
You hope they will eventually come around and be happy for you. But if they don't? Well, who cares. All you know is you have this amazing life growing inside of you that you love more and more each day. And come 9/5/10, you will get to meet this little life and nothing else will matter.
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
A Childhood Memory
Isn't it funny how a childhood memory can pop into your head? And then somehow that memory brings you right back to the warm and fuzzy place? Yesterday my friend shared a story of her friend's adorable 3 year old. It involved the 3 year old saying something that made her mother laugh, but after the daughter continued to say it over and over again, the mother didn't find it so funny. She politely told her to stop saying it, so instead of saying it out loud, her daughter decided to mouth it.
This story instantly brought me back to 1984. I was 5. We were in Southern California visiting my Great Aunt & Uncle. My Dad was driving my uncle's car. My mom was in the front seat my brother and I were in the back seat. We had been doing "touristy" things all day and all of us were a little antsy from being in the car. I, who was the definition of a Daddy's girl, decided to ask 182 questions and start each one with, "Daddy".
This story instantly brought me back to 1984. I was 5. We were in Southern California visiting my Great Aunt & Uncle. My Dad was driving my uncle's car. My mom was in the front seat my brother and I were in the back seat. We had been doing "touristy" things all day and all of us were a little antsy from being in the car. I, who was the definition of a Daddy's girl, decided to ask 182 questions and start each one with, "Daddy".
- Daddy I'm hungry.
- Daddy, where are we?
- Daddy, I love you!
- Daddy, I have to go to the bathroom.
- Daddy, I'm tired.
- Daddy, I'm bored.
- Daddy, Daddy, Daddy, Daddy, Daddy.....
Finally, my mother reached her breaking point. She whipped around, looked at me and said, "LA, if you say Daddy one more time, so help you God......" Of course I instantly shut-up and our car became very quiet. After 5 minutes or so I couldn't stand the silence anymore and I very quietly (to test the mom waters) said, "Give me a D! Give me an A! Give me a D, D, Y! What's that spell?" And at that moment my Dad bursts out laughing and shouts, "It spells, Daddy!" I thought my mom was going to freak and my Dad says, "You can't get mad at her, technically she didn't say Daddy." I started to giggle and much to my surprise, so did my mom.
The vacation turned out to be one of my favorites as a child. It seems like yesterday when we were there. Now, expecting a baby of my own, I can only hope my child will be instilled with memories. I want to scold my child for doing something annoying, but in a few short minutes be able to laugh at it. I want to take my children on great vacations that they will remember for the rest of their lives. I want to be as good of a mother to my children as my mother and father were to me.
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
Tiny Hands & Feet
For the past 4 weeks I have been sick, like an alien has taken over my body. I wake up in the morning and the process of brushing my teeth makes me gag. I have to put down my toothbrush and turn around so I can have my head in the toilet and either dry heave or throw up the water that I just drank. I make my way into the shower, my back against the water flow while I retch so violently that I can't breathe. I have taken to sitting down in the shower. For some reason it makes the retching stop. I slowly get dressed, sipping on glasses of ice cold water. I try to nibble on some Saltines, but that usually ends up with a trip to the toilet. The 30 minute train ride into the city is so unbearable I have driven into work almost every morning. Sitting in an hour to 2 hours of traffic is better than sitting, cold sweating, holding onto a plastic bag for 30 minutes on a train.
Work is awful. Saltines are in my left hand while either a freezing cold Gatorade or ice cold water is in my right hand. I'm always a light shade of green. Putting on makeup seems useless. Why do it when it is going to wash off every time I splash water on my face after having my head in the toilet? Speaking of head in the toilet, do you know how awful it is to throw up in a public restroom? First, since I don't want to tell anyone yet that I'm pregnant, I have to make sure all of the stalls are clear. 2nd, I strategically line the toilet with paper because, well, it's a public restroom and I don't want to touch the toilet. 3rd, god forbid anyone walk in while I'm throwing up! I have to stop mid-vomit, rotate my body so my feet aren't facing the toilet and try my best to hold it in until they leave.
I get home at night, put my pajamas on, curl up on the couch and try to imagine one single thing that sounds appealing to eat. My poor husband, he's probably starving because the thought of making an actual dinner makes me want to gag. Recently, I was craving Mexican food (my favorite food type). We ventured over to our favorite Mexican restaurant. Reluctantly I ordered vegetarian fajitas. They arrive at my plate, sizzling, smelling amazing. I barely fill up the tortilla, a little sour cream, a little spinach, a little red pepper, and a little cheese. And oh the spinach! I stop mid-swallow and gag up the entire bite into my napkin. I decide to nibble on the rice, and a few minutes later, make a bee-line to the restroom. So much for Mexican food.
And, can I please discuss these grotesque things that are growing on my chest most people would call breasts? They are huge, they hurt, they ache, they itch, they tingle, my nipples throb if even a drop of water touches them. I have outgrown my cute little size B bras and have already moved on to a C. My husband says they are hot! Is he kidding me? Taking my bra off at night is such a chore. I have to use one hand to release the clasp and slide the straps off my shoulders while the other hand gently cradles my boobs so I can slowly let them down. The noise I make when they are "free" sounds like I just had the best orgasm ever. It's something to the effect of, "Ooooh oh oh aaah aaaaaah oh! Thank God!" It's absurd and gross and the books tell me they are going to keep on growing. Great.
What is up with the acne? I have pimples on my chin, on my forehead, on my back, and on my chest. And as I said above, I barely even wear makeup so there is nothing to cover up these craters. I can't use any of my acne creams because they aren't pregnancy approved. So I sit and wait for one to disappear while the next one pops up.
But wait, there is one saving grace to all of this...a baby is growing inside of me! Right, I forgot about that little point. And the other day, I had my 2nd ultrasound. The image pops up on the screen and I say, "Holy shit! Is that my baby?" It's tripled in size since the last ultrasound only 2 weeks ago and now it has tiny hands and feet! As the doctor was moving the camera around, I see a little hand move. The doc says, "Look! It's saying 'Hi Mom'!" At that moment my heart melted and all of a sudden, the nausea, the big boobs, the acne, the weight gain, the fatigue, the moodiness all seemed so very worth it.
Work is awful. Saltines are in my left hand while either a freezing cold Gatorade or ice cold water is in my right hand. I'm always a light shade of green. Putting on makeup seems useless. Why do it when it is going to wash off every time I splash water on my face after having my head in the toilet? Speaking of head in the toilet, do you know how awful it is to throw up in a public restroom? First, since I don't want to tell anyone yet that I'm pregnant, I have to make sure all of the stalls are clear. 2nd, I strategically line the toilet with paper because, well, it's a public restroom and I don't want to touch the toilet. 3rd, god forbid anyone walk in while I'm throwing up! I have to stop mid-vomit, rotate my body so my feet aren't facing the toilet and try my best to hold it in until they leave.
I get home at night, put my pajamas on, curl up on the couch and try to imagine one single thing that sounds appealing to eat. My poor husband, he's probably starving because the thought of making an actual dinner makes me want to gag. Recently, I was craving Mexican food (my favorite food type). We ventured over to our favorite Mexican restaurant. Reluctantly I ordered vegetarian fajitas. They arrive at my plate, sizzling, smelling amazing. I barely fill up the tortilla, a little sour cream, a little spinach, a little red pepper, and a little cheese. And oh the spinach! I stop mid-swallow and gag up the entire bite into my napkin. I decide to nibble on the rice, and a few minutes later, make a bee-line to the restroom. So much for Mexican food.
And, can I please discuss these grotesque things that are growing on my chest most people would call breasts? They are huge, they hurt, they ache, they itch, they tingle, my nipples throb if even a drop of water touches them. I have outgrown my cute little size B bras and have already moved on to a C. My husband says they are hot! Is he kidding me? Taking my bra off at night is such a chore. I have to use one hand to release the clasp and slide the straps off my shoulders while the other hand gently cradles my boobs so I can slowly let them down. The noise I make when they are "free" sounds like I just had the best orgasm ever. It's something to the effect of, "Ooooh oh oh aaah aaaaaah oh! Thank God!" It's absurd and gross and the books tell me they are going to keep on growing. Great.
What is up with the acne? I have pimples on my chin, on my forehead, on my back, and on my chest. And as I said above, I barely even wear makeup so there is nothing to cover up these craters. I can't use any of my acne creams because they aren't pregnancy approved. So I sit and wait for one to disappear while the next one pops up.
But wait, there is one saving grace to all of this...a baby is growing inside of me! Right, I forgot about that little point. And the other day, I had my 2nd ultrasound. The image pops up on the screen and I say, "Holy shit! Is that my baby?" It's tripled in size since the last ultrasound only 2 weeks ago and now it has tiny hands and feet! As the doctor was moving the camera around, I see a little hand move. The doc says, "Look! It's saying 'Hi Mom'!" At that moment my heart melted and all of a sudden, the nausea, the big boobs, the acne, the weight gain, the fatigue, the moodiness all seemed so very worth it.
Sunday, January 10, 2010
J-E-T-S! Jets, Jets, Jets!
I remember as a child cheering for the Jets. My Dad's hero was Joe Namath and followed the Jets even after Namath was retired. So it was slightly ironic when I met my now husband and just a few weeks after we started dating he told me he was heading to a Jets game with his father. He was a Jets fan. My Dad would be so proud.
Over the past 5 years every Sunday during Fall and Winter, mid-August through the first Sunday of February, consists of sitting in front of our TV in our living room, sitting in front of a TV at a random bar, or piling into our car to watch a Jets game. Watching football has become one of my all time favorite pass-times with my husband. I love everything about it. I love the competition that goes with it, I love the food that you eat while watching it, and I love the beer and the bloody marys that go so well with every Sunday.
We have gone to our fair share of games together. Each game consists of a massive tailgate spread and lots of beer. And each game I still get the chills everytime Fireman Ed silences the crowd just at kick-off time and then on cue, in unison the entire stadium chants, "J! E! T! S! Jets Jets Jets!" right when the kicker hits the ball. It really is spine tingling.
December 31st, 2006, that's right New Year's Eve, our best friends and us went to a Jets game. New Year's Eve was on a Sunday. We left our apartment at around 10:00 am. It was a gorgeous sunny mild day for late December. We had a couple of coolers filled with food, margaritas and beer. We played football in the parking lot, grilled hamburgers, and drank while waiting for the game to start. The Jets actually won that game, but even if they had lost, we would all still remember it as our best New Year's Eve, ever.
Being a Jets fan, just like being a Mets fan, brings you many ups and downs and a lot of disappointment. We were there when Pennington got injured, again. We were there when we weren't sure if we would have a QB and all of a sudden we have Brett Favre...suddenly we had hope of a good season. We were there when Brett became a disappointment and our season ended with an 9-7 record,
again missing the playoffs. Yet, Fall of 2009 we get a glimmer of hope. We recruited Mark Sanchez from USC as our quarterback. Not only is he supposed to be good, but he's cute. A win for both my husband and me! In addition to a new QB, we have a new coach, Rex Ryan, who is supposed to be a demon when it comes to defense. The season starts on an incredible high, 3-0, with a big win over New England! But, in true Jet fashion, they slowly turn a great start into something horrible, losing multiple games in a row. Our dreams of a possible chance at the playoffs were slowly fading away. Then the weekend after Christmas, the Jets were awarded their own Christmas present, they played the Colts who decided to not play their starters the whole game since they already clinched their spot in the playoffs. And what happens? The Jets win! Not only did the Jets win, but other teams lost! With the losses from other teams the Jets had to play the Bengals the final game of the season, at Giants stadium and they had to win.
So, on January 3rd, 2010, the Jets played their hearts out on primetime TV and won, shutting out the Bengals 37-0! They were going to the playoffs! A rookie coach and a rookie QB going to the playoffs! Interestingly enough they had to play the Bengals again, this time at Cincinnati. The talk on the radio the whole week leading up to the game was whether or no
t the Bengals "laid down" the week prior in NY. Who truly was the better team? History will now show, the better team was the Jets! They won 24-14! The Jets were going to the 2nd game in the playoffs! Sanchez is no longer considered a rookie.
My 31 year old husband jumped up and down like a little girl who just received a pony for her birthday. He high fived all of his friends and picked me up and swung me around. I have never seen him so happy. (Well at least not since the day he married me...) He looked at me and said, "I'm telling you now, if the Jets go to the Super Bowl, I'm going to Miami." And you know what? I'll let him go. I'll stay here by myself with my dog, watching the game on TV, and let him go. He deserves it. He's never seen them in a Super Bowl and most likely never will. And I know I may be getting ahead of myself, but if they go to Miami, so will my husband.
How is it possible that a game that brings us so many aches and pain, can also bring us joy ten times over all with one little win? It's called love, and I love this game.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
