kicks

the original title to this post was going to be "bitch fest". lately i feel as if i have a lot to bitch about. my family is so fucked up we make the kardashians, the lohans, the osbournes, and every other crazy family out there, look like the fucking cleavers! i have very few friends, and the ones i do have i feel are slipping away, i can't relate to them anymore. i have an assistant who has been my assistant for two years and told me yesterday she doesn't know how to make or use an excel spreadsheet. i don't need the added work. the lease on my car is up in eight days and we have no idea what car we are going to get to replace it. everything we can afford, i don't like. speaking of affording things, i worry every night about finances. my husband and i both have great jobs making decent money and there are times where i feel as if we live paycheck to paycheck. i have a slight disdain for people. i find most of them pompous, arrogant, selfish and if i could live a life of solitude, i would.

maybe i'm just hormonal, i don't know, but on the subject of horomones, i'm thirty weeks pregnant. i still have ten weeks left and i'm miserable. i can't sit at my desk because my back hurts, i can't ride in a car because my back hurts, i can't ride the train because that means i have to sit, and well you guessed it, my back hurts. i don't mean it aches, i mean it feels like someone has taken a baseball bat and has beaten me repeatedly, to the point i want to cry. standing is the only thing that makes me feel better, but i can't stand too long because then my feet start to swell and then they start hurting. i wake up every morning with a numb right hand. the numbness continues throughout the day and makes it hard for me to do multiple things since i am right handed. my doctor tells me it's a sign of carpal tunnel syndrome. just another great perk to being pregnant. i have heartburn so bad it makes me not want to eat anything. which isn't good being that i'm pregnant and all. i want a glass of wine so badly i can taste it. not to get drunk, because that was oh so ten months ago, but to enjoy something cool, crisp and refreshing on these one hundred degree days. and that's something else, it's only june. so why in the hell does it feel like i live in the center of the equator?

i said to my husband in tears the other night, "i'm so done with being pregnant." i was almost angry when i said it. and then all of a sudden i feel a tremendous kick right in my ribs. i started laughing. hell yes that kick hurt, but it was this great reminder of the amazing tiny life i have growing inside of me. it's not his fault that i'm miserable. well, technically it is, but he didn't ask to be born. we were the ones who decided to conceive him and i should have known what i was getting in to. it's tremendous the amount of power these kicks have on me. everytime i feel one i instantly forget all the bad in the world and remember him. i forget what i'm pissed off about, what i'm mad about, who annoys me and why. i forget all of that. i'm going to be a mom. when he is born, it's not going to be about me anymore, it's going to be about him. and that's just fine. a crazy family, stupid people, financial issues, aches and pains will all go to the way side. i am going to have a little baby boy. he's all mine. something that just my husband and i created. he'll love me unconditionally and he will be all that matters in this world.