Tuesday, October 26, 2010

guardian angel grandma

it saddens me knowing that my son, now 7 weeks old will never know my mom. she died 9 years ago of cancer. over the years i have thought about how she will miss out on so many important things in my life. like how i moved to NY, experiencing my new life here, and meeting my husband. children weren't even a glimpse in my eye back then so i never really thought about her missing out on being a grandma until now.

while i was pregnant, my brother and i would joke about how excited our mom would have been knowing she was about to be a grandma. so excited that she almost would have driven me crazy. you know, always calling, checking in, sending gifts that she bought, her ideas for the nursery, etc. she would have planned her trip for when i had the baby, hoping she would have been here in time for the delivery.

instead i've spent the past 7 weeks asking my mom to send motherly advice from heaven. what do i do when i have exhausted all resources on getting him to sleep? i am supposed to go back to work in 4 weeks, but can't possibly imagine doing it. what did she do? i want to share with her every thing charlie does, how he smiles when he is done nursing. how his eyes roll back in his head when he's tired and then he giggles. i want to share with her everytime he gains a pound and grows an inch. and each picture we take of him, i wish i could email them to her and show her just how beautiful he is.

at night while nursing, there is nothing else to do, but stare out the window. over the past few weeks i have noticed a star outside his window. it's the brightest star in the sky. i've come to look for it every night. and no matter the weather, it's there. i am positive it's my mom. she's watching over us, she's keeping an eye on her grandson. i've started talking to the star. i know it sounds silly, but i do. i describe what it feels like to be a mother. how it's surreal. i ask the star how is it possible to love someone so much in an instant, and just when you think you can't possibly love him anymore, that love grows? everyday it grows stronger and i can't imagine my life without him. i talk to charlie. i tell him about his grandma. how smart, how witty, quirky, funny and beautiful she was. i tell him how much she would have loved him.

it's sad my mom never got the chance to be a grandma and even sadder my son never got to meet her. and even though charlie will never get to know his grandma, i know she is up there watching over us. she's his guardian angel grandma

R.I.P Mom 10-27-01

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

being pregnant

39 weeks pregnant. only 1 more grueling week to go (if i'm lucky) or perhaps he'll come early and i won't have to endure the next 7 days. as the end draws near, i have been reminiscing about the past 9 months, and here are just a few things i have learned:

1.) people love to give advice and at times, very strange advice. for example, below are actual quotes from emails i received from either clients or co-workers.

"Stay healthy- no fads, just basics. Say "yes" to help. Breast feeding is very good! (But don't get hung up on "how long" you need to do it) you're body will run it's course (but metoclopramide 10 mg q.I.d p.o may help you extend the time). Don't listen to people who give you stress; mothers have been doing a great job for millions of years!" -an opthamologist client

"So congrats! Just a word of advice....if you get home from the hospital and the baby is screaming in the middle of the night and you stagger to his/her room to do your mommy thing and the following thought enters your head...."Oh My God...WHY did I think this was a good idea? I can't do THIS! What was I THINKING?"......you are NOT a bad mommy. My kid's nine and I sometimes think that even now." -a colleague

"Good for you . Women catch all the breaks. I know You will make a terrific Mom. Best of luck see you in December. My wife was able to squeeze a little more time out of her maternity leave since she breast fed (first 3 months) her GYNOBY found a impacted or infected areola (she didn't know she had) . It gave her a few more weeks." -our contractor

"If you don't immediately fall in love with your baby as soon as he's born, it's okay." -a colleague

2.) people are so complimentary and such well wishers

"you're so skinny! how is it possible you're 9 months pregnant?" -a counterpart from Barcelona

"you look amazing! i can't believe you're due in a week!" -a work neighbor

"good luck with your baby boy! i bet he's gonna have beautiful blue eyes!" -random client

"best wishes to you and your baby." -a stranger sitting across from me on the train

"congratulations! you'll be a great mom!" -the fireman who i gave change to for the fill the boot

3.) people are genorous with gifts, some gifts more welcome than others. for example, the 2 women who clean my showroom, who most likely don't have a pot to piss in, each bought the baby a gift, and a very generous gift at that. a designer in the building where i work bought the baby the cutest outfit ever. but then there are the gifts i would have rather not received. like a t-shirt for the baby with a picture of the woman's dog on it?? or the random sweater vest and weird overcoat that looks like a girl should be wearing it, just those 2 things, no pants to match. and the box filled with fleece pajamas, 3 pairs of them, all the same size, all will be too big for him when he actually needs to wear fleece. a baby blue sweater one piece? just because it's from bloomingdale's doesn't mean it's a good gift.
i don't mean to sound ungrateful, but you have to wonder what goes through people's minds when picking out gifts. do they buy the first thing they see on sale and they don't care what it looks like or do they really think what they are getting is a good practical gift? i don't know.

all in all, being pregnant has been a joy. sure the morning sickness, the backaches, the horomones and everything else were a pain, but i'm going to miss my big ol' belly and everyone saying how cute i look even if they don't mean it. i'm going to miss feeling the baby move inside, letting me know he's okay. i'm going to miss being at my heaviest weight, but still feeling beautiful because it's for a good cause. however, a whole new chapter will begin once he gets here and i can't wait.

Tuesday, August 3, 2010


a shooting pain in the side wakes me at 4:00 a.m. the pain comes in waves throughout the morning and has me in tears on my drive into work. at noon the pain has worsened and my husband begs me to call the doctor. at 2:30 pm the pain is so intense it takes my breath away and makes me stumble while walking across my office floor. this kind of pain finally warrants a call to the doctor. it's 3:00 pm on a friday and he's gone for the day. the nurse is going to have the on-call doctor call me back. she does and tells me to immediately go to labor and delivery. i still have 5 weeks to go, labor and delivery is not what i expect to hear.

at the hospital, in a delivery room, i am told to pee in a cup and then i am hooked up to monitors. the nurse casually tells me the pain i am feeling is contractions. the room starts spinning for both me and my husband. two doctors come in along with the nurse pushing an iv cart and an ultra sound machine. a blood pressure strap is wrapped around my arm. questions like, "do you know the sex? do you want him circumcised? are you going to breastfeed? do you have a living will?" are thrown at me. an iv is stuck in my arm while the doctor does an ultrasound. my baby weighs 5 pounds 7 oz, he's in the proper position. the doctor says, "he's ready to come out." holy hell i'm having a baby! beads of sweat the size of golf balls are dripping down my husband's head. he's biting his nails. he asks the doctor if he should be calling people and the doctor says, "not yet".

an exam is performed and numbers like 0 cm and 40% are mentioned. 0 cm, that means no dilation, right? the doctors says i'm not in true labor. miraculously the blood pressure drops back down to normal, my husband's too. the nurse had drawn blood and ran tests on my urine that proved i was dehydrated. dehydration causes contractions. who knew? 3 hours later the contractions have moved to 10 minutes apart. they decide to release me.

should i be on bedrest? nope, continue with normal daily activities. does this mean the baby could come early, my husband asks? the nurse replies, "yes. he could come tomorrow or he could come in two weeks, but nevertheless, early."

and now the waiting begins. contractions are still there, not like they were before, but still there. pressure is so strong on my pelvic and lower back area. i wait. condensation from the water bottle i carry drips down my legs. i think my water broke. it hasn't. my husband makes me sleep on a towel. he makes me sit on a towel. i wait for my water to break. 2 BBQs are on our calendar over the next few weeks and my rsvp response is "maybe". i'm waiting to see if the baby comes. trying to plan something for my husband's birthday at the end of the month is impossible because i'm waiting to see if the baby comes.

september 5th, the actual due date, was fine with me. but now, being told he could come early, makes it that much harder. waiting......i can't wait to meet this little boy.

Friday, July 2, 2010

my gramps

i found out my grandpa hit a hole in one the other day while playing golf. he was two under par on four par threes. he shot eighty-two for the round. oh, did i mention he is eighty-nine years old? did i also mention this hole in one was his sixth in his lifetime? i would imagine that has to be some kind of record for someone who only plays golf in his spare time.

his sixth hole in one? i don't know why i felt such an overwhelming sense of pride, but i did. you see, my grandpa is sort of a legend at their local country club. he still holds the record for most club championships ever won, which i believe is sixteen. he is without a doubt the oldest man who plays regularly on the golf course. if you're ever looking for my grandpa and he isn't at home or tending to his roses in his garden, you can find him either on the driving range or the putting green practicing his game. this summer is the first summer in many years where he sat out on the country club's annual member/guest tournament. this tournament involves three consecutive days of golf, eighteen holes one day, twenty-seven holes the next, and eighteen holes the last day. all of this in usually ninety degree weather. the only reason he sat out this year was my grandmother fell ill a few days prior to the tournament and he had to back out of it.

once i heard the news of the hole in one i called him to congratulate him.
me: rumor has spread to new york you hit a hole in one the other day.
gramps: oh, you saw that in the new york times?
me: yes, it was on the front cover page!
gramps: how did my picture come out? i was a little worried because i wired it over to them.
gramps: did you tell your husband? what did he think of it?
me: yes! he couldn't believe it.
gramps: couldn't believe it? doesn't he know i've had six of them?
me: he does, and he's jealous because he would like to just have one in his lifetime, let alone six!
gramps: ha! tell him good luck with that.
me: what do you get these days for hitting a hole in one? they still can't give you a trophy, can they?
gramps: nope. they give you a $500 gift card to the golf shop. i need a $500 gift card to the golf shop like i need a hole in the head. i'll save it, and in ten years when you're little guy is ready for his first set of real golf clubs, his great grandpa will buy them for him.

and i have this strange feeling, that in ten years, my gramps will do just that.....

Wednesday, June 23, 2010


the original title to this post was going to be "bitch fest". lately i feel as if i have a lot to bitch about. my family is so fucked up we make the kardashians, the lohans, the osbournes, and every other crazy family out there, look like the fucking cleavers! i have very few friends, and the ones i do have i feel are slipping away, i can't relate to them anymore. i have an assistant who has been my assistant for two years and told me yesterday she doesn't know how to make or use an excel spreadsheet. i don't need the added work. the lease on my car is up in eight days and we have no idea what car we are going to get to replace it. everything we can afford, i don't like. speaking of affording things, i worry every night about finances. my husband and i both have great jobs making decent money and there are times where i feel as if we live paycheck to paycheck. i have a slight disdain for people. i find most of them pompous, arrogant, selfish and if i could live a life of solitude, i would.

maybe i'm just hormonal, i don't know, but on the subject of horomones, i'm thirty weeks pregnant. i still have ten weeks left and i'm miserable. i can't sit at my desk because my back hurts, i can't ride in a car because my back hurts, i can't ride the train because that means i have to sit, and well you guessed it, my back hurts. i don't mean it aches, i mean it feels like someone has taken a baseball bat and has beaten me repeatedly, to the point i want to cry. standing is the only thing that makes me feel better, but i can't stand too long because then my feet start to swell and then they start hurting. i wake up every morning with a numb right hand. the numbness continues throughout the day and makes it hard for me to do multiple things since i am right handed. my doctor tells me it's a sign of carpal tunnel syndrome. just another great perk to being pregnant. i have heartburn so bad it makes me not want to eat anything. which isn't good being that i'm pregnant and all. i want a glass of wine so badly i can taste it. not to get drunk, because that was oh so ten months ago, but to enjoy something cool, crisp and refreshing on these one hundred degree days. and that's something else, it's only june. so why in the hell does it feel like i live in the center of the equator?

i said to my husband in tears the other night, "i'm so done with being pregnant." i was almost angry when i said it. and then all of a sudden i feel a tremendous kick right in my ribs. i started laughing. hell yes that kick hurt, but it was this great reminder of the amazing tiny life i have growing inside of me. it's not his fault that i'm miserable. well, technically it is, but he didn't ask to be born. we were the ones who decided to conceive him and i should have known what i was getting in to. it's tremendous the amount of power these kicks have on me. everytime i feel one i instantly forget all the bad in the world and remember him. i forget what i'm pissed off about, what i'm mad about, who annoys me and why. i forget all of that. i'm going to be a mom. when he is born, it's not going to be about me anymore, it's going to be about him. and that's just fine. a crazy family, stupid people, financial issues, aches and pains will all go to the way side. i am going to have a little baby boy. he's all mine. something that just my husband and i created. he'll love me unconditionally and he will be all that matters in this world.

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

memorial day memories

i don't know if it's impending motherhood or just getting older, but i recently find myself getting swept up in childhood nostalgia. memories that pop into my head, and i'm like, "whoa! where did that come from?" but it's nice, these trips down memory lane. they remind me of where i came from.

this past weekend, memorial day weekend, the start of summer, came and went. it was filled with yard work, bbqs with friends, and hot sunny summer weather. it was perfect. i asked my husband sunday morning if he knew who was on the poll for the race. he said, "what race?" i replied, "uh, only the biggest racing/sporting spectacular of the year? the indy 500!" he said, "maybe in indiana it's big, but not here." i didn't care what ny sports team was on that day, dammit i was going to watch the race. i turned on the tv just as jim nabors took the stage to sing 'back home again in indiana'. while he was dreaming about the moonlight on the wabash, i started daydreaming of race days past. i remember being a child, 5, 6, 7 years old. race day was a big day in our house. my father would hang the black and white checkered flags from our deck. i vaguely recall a sign saying "welcome race fans" hanging from our front porch. my brother and i were too young to go with our parents to the race so we would spend the night prior at our aunt and uncle's home (which was conveniently across the yard from our home). the group of race goers would meet at our home usually around 6:00 am. i could hear them in our driveway. the whole group seemed so excited and ready to go even at that hour of the morning. my brother and i would camp out in front of the tv watching the race. even if it was nice outside, my aunt had a hard time trying to lure us away. we knew once the race was over it would still be a few more hours until our parents got back home. we would play in the yard with our cousins until we saw our blue van roll into the driveway. i would run over to my dad and ask him who won the race, even though i already knew. he would tell me in his most excited voice like it was his favorite driver ever! i would always chuckle at how sunburned he would be with huge raccoon eyes. no self-respecting man would wear sunscreen, right? we would spend the rest of the evening playing in the backyard while my aunt and uncle had a bbq.

years passed and as we got older memories changed to bbqs and cocktail parties on our deck, just the four of us. my mother would request jimmy buffett music and my brother would inevitably put on some cd we didn't recognize. the nights would end with the feeding frenzy album where we would raise our cocktails and sing along with 'margaritaville'. it was indeed the official start of summer.

mary hulman-george has now said "ladies and gentlemen, start your engines" and i'm brought back to present day. and how times have changed. we had our bbq on monday. yes, the day before a work day which we used to never do. our 4 closets friends came with their children in tow. most of the afternoon revolved around them and taking pictures of them. the boys only played one round of horse shoes. we purchased 2 cases of beer and we have over a case left.

times are definitely a changin'. i look forward to the years to come where we'll create new memories. maybe i'll even take my child to the indy 500 one day or at least watch it with him on tv.

Thursday, May 20, 2010

dear baby

all of the websites and books say i should start a pregnancy journal or do a time capsule for you to open 20 years from now. instead i thought i would write you a letter. it's funny saying, "dear baby", we already know your name, in fact we knew it before we even knew you were coming into this world. we call you by name in the comforts of our home, when no one is around. can you hear us? your daddy has the habit of pressing his mouth right against my belly in hopes you can hear him better. it sounds awfully fuzzy to me, i can only imagine what it sounds like to you. i hope you like your name. i already know it's going to suit you perfectly. as of now, we're keeping it to ourselves. as you'll find out in a few years, we have a very opinionated family, and the last thing your daddy and i want is to hear every one's opinions on what your name should be. it's a secret only the three of us know.

so, a little about your parents. hi, i'm your mom. i'm thirty years old, will be thirty-one when you arrive. i'm originally from indiana. i moved out east eight years ago. i can't believe it's been that long already! i met your daddy six years ago and we will be married for two years when you get here in september. your grandma died 8 1/2 years ago of cancer. gosh i wish she could meet you. she would absolutely love you to pieces. she's in heaven now and is watching over you as i write. she'll be a great guardian angel. your grandpa still lives in batesville, indiana (that's where i grew up). your uncle lives in los angeles. they are both so excited to meet you.

i work for a company called miele. i sell appliances. boring, right? i work in manhattan on 58th street and as boring as appliances may sound, i love my job. i hope you will understand when i have to go back to work after you are born. your daddy just started a new job with villeroy and boch. both companies are german. speaking of, he's leaving for germany next week and it will be just me and you, and the dog.

oh, we have a yellow labrador. she'll be 13 years old this fall. her name is bacardi. she's the sweetest thing ever and i know she'll be quite protective over you. she's getting older by the day. i hope she sticks around long enough for you to really enjoy her, because i think the two of you will have a great time together.

right now we live in mount vernon, ny. we bought our home 3 years ago. it's been a work in progress. currently, the room under construction is your room! i can't wait for you to see it. so far it's just perfect and it's not even completely done. we painted the walls blue, of course, since you are a boy, but it's the perfect shade. not too bright, not too light. i hope you'll feel comfortable there and right at home.

i'm almost twenty-five weeks, which means in fifteen weeks you are supposed to come in to this world! over the past couple of weeks you have become very rambunctious, and i wouldn't have it any other way. i love it! it's a reminder to me that you're doing okay. even in the middle of the night when i wake up, you give me a little tap letting me know you're there. thank you. the first time i felt you really move, i was in the bathtub. you gave me a nice little kick! i first thought you were telling me the water was too hot, and i immediately got out of the tub. but, your kicks continued after that. your daddy was a bit jealous at first because he couldn't feel them, but finally on mother's day you gave us your best kick and he felt it! happy mother's day to me! now, we can actually see you kick, it's the coolest thing ever. your daddy thinks it means you're going to be a soccer player. your grandpa hopes your arms are moving and that you're going to be a quarterback. we'll love you no matter what sport you play.

surprisingly enough, i'm not scared of your arrival. actually, i can't wait for it to get here. i've already imagined you in my mind, a beautiful little boy. it doesn't matter to me who you look like either. of course, i would love for you to look like me, but i would be happy if you looked like your daddy. i can't wait to hold you in my arms. stare at you, completely amazed that you are a creation of me and your daddy. amazed that i carried you in my belly for forty weeks. hoping that i provided the proper nourishment and a safe place to grow.

you'll have to forgive me if i don't get it quite right in the beginning. it's my first time being a mom, you know, so please bear with me. i'm going to do my best.

that's it for now. enjoy the apple i'm eating at this moment and i'll see you in fifteen weeks.
i love you.

your mom