Faith

each night i say a prayer when I go to bed. "now i lay me down to sleep, i pray the lord my soul to keep......" the same prayer i have been saying since i was old enough to recite one. i pray for the safety and health of the baby boy i am carrying inside me. i pray for a healthy pregnancy. i pray my mother's parenting skills have rubbed off on me. i pray for my cousins children. i pray for my dad's sobriety. i pray my brother finds happiness. i pray for my 90 year old grandparents' health too. i ask him to tell my mother i said hello and i miss her every day.

there is a saying in a song that says, "i'm praying to a God i don't believe in." whatever gets you through, right? i've struggled with my faith since the death of my mother. i prayed my ass off while she was sick. praying she would get better, praying she wouldn't die, praying i would be able to get through it. and not a single one of those things happend. she didn't get better, she died, and i still haven't gotten through it.

i am almost 31 years old and am going to be a mother come september. how can i not practice some sort of faith while raising a child? what if something happens to him? what if he gets sick? who would i turn to for help? would it even matter?


my father recently called me while i was at work. he never calls me during the work day. he tells me he has great news and he had to tell someone, so he called me. the judge came back with a number for his divorce settlement. the number he came back with was well below the number his ex-wife was suing him for! phew! i could hear the relief and happiness in my dad's voice. suddenly my shoulders felt about 50 pounds lighter. of course i will still worry about his sobriety, but it's one less thing that could set my dad back off the wagon. i think he's been unhappy for quite some time and it's his turn to experience life and happiness.

the other day i received an email from my brother telling me he has started seeing a therapist. FINALLY! he has been unhappy for such a long time and is just one more person in my life who deserves to find happiness. my brother hasn't been himself for a very long time, probably since my mother died, if not before. therapy has always been a taboo thing in my family. you have issues? so does everyone else in this family. sweep them under the carpet like we have done for the past 60 years and you'll be good to go. therapy did wonders for me and i've been telling my brother to screw the stigma of seeing a shrink and GO SEE ONE! he tells me the therapist read him in the first 10 minutes he was there. he thinks the therapist will be good for him. it's going to take a while to peel all the layers my brother has built up around him, but once those layers are gone, i will have the brother i once knew back.

monday i had another sonogram. this one was called the "anatomy test" where they do a full body scan on the baby to see if all of his organs are progressing the way they should be progressing. the doctor told me i have one beautiful healthy baby boy growing inside of me and my pregnancy is absolutely perfect.

tonight my husband has a 3rd interview for a new job. he doesn't need this job, he already has one, which takes the pressure off. however, this job is offering more money and better opportunities. with a baby on the way in 5 months it never hurts to get offered more money. i'm so proud of him regardless of what happens.

so, are we just crossing a lucky patch? or is there someone out there that is really watching over us? someone that is really answering our prayers? will we ever know? who knows. but for now, i'm going to keep saying every night, "now i lay me down to sleep......" and see where my faith takes me.