A Male-Dominated Industry

You've been waiting to speak to your boss all day. You have big news to tell him. He arrives in the showroom right at 5:00 pm. You have a work event that night. You can't decide if you're excited or scared to death to tell him. Probably a little bit of both. 2 other colleagues are there for the event as well. One of them is your best guy friend. You also want to tell him your big news. You haven't told him yet out of respect for your boss. You think he should be the first to know. All of you are setting up for the event. Your boss suggests opening a bottle of wine. He does and goes to pour you a glass. You say, "No thank you." Someone says, "Wow! I think hell just froze over. You turned down a glass of wine!" You laugh and continue to work. You know you can't wait much longer to tell him.

The other 2 colleagues are summoned away on an ice run. You think this is the time. You call your boss into your office and say you have something to tell him. You can see the panic on his face. You blurt out, "I'm pregnant!" Now you can see the uncomfortableness on his face. He has told you before he hates the word pregnant. You have tried for weeks to think of another way to say it, but couldn't come up with anything. He tells you he figured something was up since you turned down a glass of wine. You assure him you will continue to do a great job and how much you love doing what you do. He says he knows. He gives you an awkward hug, says his congratulations and goes about the evening.

Your friend comes back from the ice run and tries to get you to have a glass of wine with him. It's kind of a ritual, the 2 of you always drink together. You feel bad as you can tell he thinks something is wrong. Now that you have told your boss you shouldn't leave him in the dark anymore. You tell him you have news for him. He says, "Good or bad?" You say, "I think it's good, you're going to think it's bad." He says, "You're pregnant." The word pregnant was not said with excitement. You laugh because most people wouldn't consider being pregnant as bad news. You tell him yes you indeed are pregnant and he asks "why you had to go and do that for?" He says he thinks things will change between the 2 of you. He thinks you won't be friends anymore. He says you'll change and always run home after work events to take care of your kid. You laugh and tell him, yes, things will change. That usually happens when you have a baby, but it doesn't mean you won't be friends anymore. He gives you a half-hearted congrats with a pat on the back and walks away.

You're hurt. You just told one of your closest friends you are expecting a baby! A time in your life that should be exciting and he makes you feel guilty about it. Throughout the course of the evening he refers to your situation as a predicament. A predicament? He thinks your pregnancy is a predicament? Well fuck him. That's what you say when you get pissed off and hurt. Fuck him. Yes, you're pregnant, but it doesn't mean you will be turning into a foreign alien that doesn't know how to function or communicate. You're fairly sure you will still be able to be a good friend to someone while you're pregnant and after you have the baby. However, if the only reason your friend wants to be your friend is so you guys can go out and have a few beers together, then maybe you don't want to be his friend after all.

You find the reactions odd. You're pregnant! Everyone should be excited? Is it because they're men and they don't know the appropriate response? Then how come other men you know have given you the same warm and fuzzy response that women give you? Is it because they're selfish. Yes that's it, they are selfish. Change isn't good, change is bad, and you're upsetting their world with your news. They don't care about you, they care about how this is going to effect them.

You hope they will eventually come around and be happy for you. But if they don't? Well, who cares. All you know is you have this amazing life growing inside of you that you love more and more each day. And come 9/5/10, you will get to meet this little life and nothing else will matter.

A Childhood Memory

Isn't it funny how a childhood memory can pop into your head? And then somehow that memory brings you right back to the warm and fuzzy place? Yesterday my friend shared a story of her friend's adorable 3 year old. It involved the 3 year old saying something that made her mother laugh, but after the daughter continued to say it over and over again, the mother didn't find it so funny. She politely told her to stop saying it, so instead of saying it out loud, her daughter decided to mouth it.

This story instantly brought me back to 1984. I was 5. We were in Southern California visiting my Great Aunt & Uncle. My Dad was driving my uncle's car. My mom was in the front seat my brother and I were in the back seat. We had been doing "touristy" things all day and all of us were a little antsy from being in the car. I, who was the definition of a Daddy's girl, decided to ask 182 questions and start each one with, "Daddy".

• Daddy I'm hungry.
• Daddy, where are we?
• Daddy, I love you!
• Daddy, I have to go to the bathroom.
• Daddy, I'm tired.
• Daddy, I'm bored.
• Daddy, Daddy, Daddy, Daddy, Daddy.....

Finally, my mother reached her breaking point. She whipped around, looked at me and said, "LA, if you say Daddy one more time, so help you God......" Of course I instantly shut-up and our car became very quiet. After 5 minutes or so I couldn't stand the silence anymore and I very quietly (to test the mom waters) said, "Give me a D! Give me an A! Give me a D, D, Y! What's that spell?" And at that moment my Dad bursts out laughing and shouts, "It spells, Daddy!" I thought my mom was going to freak and my Dad says, "You can't get mad at her, technically she didn't say Daddy." I started to giggle and much to my surprise, so did my mom.

The vacation turned out to be one of my favorites as a child. It seems like yesterday when we were there. Now, expecting a baby of my own, I can only hope my child will be instilled with memories. I want to scold my child for doing something annoying, but in a few short minutes be able to laugh at it. I want to take my children on great vacations that they will remember for the rest of their lives. I want to be as good of a mother to my children as my mother and father were to me.

Tiny Hands & Feet

For the past 4 weeks I have been sick, like an alien has taken over my body. I wake up in the morning and the process of brushing my teeth makes me gag. I have to put down my toothbrush and turn around so I can have my head in the toilet and either dry heave or throw up the water that I just drank. I make my way into the shower, my back against the water flow while I retch so violently that I can't breathe. I have taken to sitting down in the shower. For some reason it makes the retching stop. I slowly get dressed, sipping on glasses of ice cold water. I try to nibble on some Saltines, but that usually ends up with a trip to the toilet. The 30 minute train ride into the city is so unbearable I have driven into work almost every morning. Sitting in an hour to 2 hours of traffic is better than sitting, cold sweating, holding onto a plastic bag for 30 minutes on a train.
Work is awful. Saltines are in my left hand while either a freezing cold Gatorade or ice cold water is in my right hand. I'm always a light shade of green. Putting on makeup seems useless. Why do it when it is going to wash off every time I splash water on my face after having my head in the toilet? Speaking of head in the toilet, do you know how awful it is to throw up in a public restroom? First, since I don't want to tell anyone yet that I'm pregnant, I have to make sure all of the stalls are clear. 2nd, I strategically line the toilet with paper because, well, it's a public restroom and I don't want to touch the toilet. 3rd, god forbid anyone walk in while I'm throwing up! I have to stop mid-vomit, rotate my body so my feet aren't facing the toilet and try my best to hold it in until they leave.
I get home at night, put my pajamas on, curl up on the couch and try to imagine one single thing that sounds appealing to eat. My poor husband, he's probably starving because the thought of making an actual dinner makes me want to gag. Recently, I was craving Mexican food (my favorite food type). We ventured over to our favorite Mexican restaurant. Reluctantly I ordered vegetarian fajitas. They arrive at my plate, sizzling, smelling amazing. I barely fill up the tortilla, a little sour cream, a little spinach, a little red pepper, and a little cheese. And oh the spinach! I stop mid-swallow and gag up the entire bite into my napkin. I decide to nibble on the rice, and a few minutes later, make a bee-line to the restroom. So much for Mexican food.

And, can I please discuss these grotesque things that are growing on my chest most people would call breasts? They are huge, they hurt, they ache, they itch, they tingle, my nipples throb if even a drop of water touches them. I have outgrown my cute little size B bras and have already moved on to a C. My husband says they are hot! Is he kidding me? Taking my bra off at night is such a chore. I have to use one hand to release the clasp and slide the straps off my shoulders while the other hand gently cradles my boobs so I can slowly let them down. The noise I make when they are "free" sounds like I just had the best orgasm ever. It's something to the effect of, "Ooooh oh oh aaah aaaaaah oh! Thank God!" It's absurd and gross and the books tell me they are going to keep on growing. Great.

What is up with the acne? I have pimples on my chin, on my forehead, on my back, and on my chest. And as I said above, I barely even wear makeup so there is nothing to cover up these craters. I can't use any of my acne creams because they aren't pregnancy approved. So I sit and wait for one to disappear while the next one pops up.

But wait, there is one saving grace to all of this...a baby is growing inside of me! Right, I forgot about that little point. And the other day, I had my 2nd ultrasound. The image pops up on the screen and I say, "Holy shit! Is that my baby?" It's tripled in size since the last ultrasound only 2 weeks ago and now it has tiny hands and feet! As the doctor was moving the camera around, I see a little hand move. The doc says, "Look! It's saying 'Hi Mom'!" At that moment my heart melted and all of a sudden, the nausea, the big boobs, the acne, the weight gain, the fatigue, the moodiness all seemed so very worth it.