the original title to this post was going to be "bitch fest". lately i feel as if i have a lot to bitch about. my family is so fucked up we make the kardashians, the lohans, the osbournes, and every other crazy family out there, look like the fucking cleavers! i have very few friends, and the ones i do have i feel are slipping away, i can't relate to them anymore. i have an assistant who has been my assistant for two years and told me yesterday she doesn't know how to make or use an excel spreadsheet. i don't need the added work. the lease on my car is up in eight days and we have no idea what car we are going to get to replace it. everything we can afford, i don't like. speaking of affording things, i worry every night about finances. my husband and i both have great jobs making decent money and there are times where i feel as if we live paycheck to paycheck. i have a slight disdain for people. i find most of them pompous, arrogant, selfish and if i could live a life of solitude, i would.
maybe i'm just hormonal, i don't know, but on the subject of horomones, i'm thirty weeks pregnant. i still have ten weeks left and i'm miserable. i can't sit at my desk because my back hurts, i can't ride in a car because my back hurts, i can't ride the train because that means i have to sit, and well you guessed it, my back hurts. i don't mean it aches, i mean it feels like someone has taken a baseball bat and has beaten me repeatedly, to the point i want to cry. standing is the only thing that makes me feel better, but i can't stand too long because then my feet start to swell and then they start hurting. i wake up every morning with a numb right hand. the numbness continues throughout the day and makes it hard for me to do multiple things since i am right handed. my doctor tells me it's a sign of carpal tunnel syndrome. just another great perk to being pregnant. i have heartburn so bad it makes me not want to eat anything. which isn't good being that i'm pregnant and all. i want a glass of wine so badly i can taste it. not to get drunk, because that was oh so ten months ago, but to enjoy something cool, crisp and refreshing on these one hundred degree days. and that's something else, it's only june. so why in the hell does it feel like i live in the center of the equator?
i said to my husband in tears the other night, "i'm so done with being pregnant." i was almost angry when i said it. and then all of a sudden i feel a tremendous kick right in my ribs. i started laughing. hell yes that kick hurt, but it was this great reminder of the amazing tiny life i have growing inside of me. it's not his fault that i'm miserable. well, technically it is, but he didn't ask to be born. we were the ones who decided to conceive him and i should have known what i was getting in to. it's tremendous the amount of power these kicks have on me. everytime i feel one i instantly forget all the bad in the world and remember him. i forget what i'm pissed off about, what i'm mad about, who annoys me and why. i forget all of that. i'm going to be a mom. when he is born, it's not going to be about me anymore, it's going to be about him. and that's just fine. a crazy family, stupid people, financial issues, aches and pains will all go to the way side. i am going to have a little baby boy. he's all mine. something that just my husband and i created. he'll love me unconditionally and he will be all that matters in this world.
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
memorial day memories
i don't know if it's impending motherhood or just getting older, but i recently find myself getting swept up in childhood nostalgia. memories that pop into my head, and i'm like, "whoa! where did that come from?" but it's nice, these trips down memory lane. they remind me of where i came from.
this past weekend, memorial day weekend, the start of summer, came and went. it was filled with yard work, bbqs with friends, and hot sunny summer weather. it was perfect. i asked my husband sunday morning if he knew who was on the poll for the race. he said, "what race?" i replied, "uh, only the biggest racing/sporting spectacular of the year? the indy 500!" he said, "maybe in indiana it's big, but not here." i didn't care what ny sports team was on that day, dammit i was going to watch the race. i turned on the tv just as jim nabors took the stage to sing 'back home again in indiana'. while he was dreaming about the moonlight on the wabash, i started daydreaming of race days past. i remember being a child, 5, 6, 7 years old. race day was a big day in our house. my father would hang the black and white checkered flags from our deck. i vaguely recall a sign saying "welcome race fans" hanging from our front porch. my brother and i were too young to go with our parents to the race so we would spend the night prior at our aunt and uncle's home (which was conveniently across the yard from our home). the group of race goers would meet at our home usually around 6:00 am. i could hear them in our driveway. the whole group seemed so excited and ready to go even at that hour of the morning. my brother and i would camp out in front of the tv watching the race. even if it was nice outside, my aunt had a hard time trying to lure us away. we knew once the race was over it would still be a few more hours until our parents got back home. we would play in the yard with our cousins until we saw our blue van roll into the driveway. i would run over to my dad and ask him who won the race, even though i already knew. he would tell me in his most excited voice like it was his favorite driver ever! i would always chuckle at how sunburned he would be with huge raccoon eyes. no self-respecting man would wear sunscreen, right? we would spend the rest of the evening playing in the backyard while my aunt and uncle had a bbq.
years passed and as we got older memories changed to bbqs and cocktail parties on our deck, just the four of us. my mother would request jimmy buffett music and my brother would inevitably put on some cd we didn't recognize. the nights would end with the feeding frenzy album where we would raise our cocktails and sing along with 'margaritaville'. it was indeed the official start of summer.
mary hulman-george has now said "ladies and gentlemen, start your engines" and i'm brought back to present day. and how times have changed. we had our bbq on monday. yes, the day before a work day which we used to never do. our 4 closets friends came with their children in tow. most of the afternoon revolved around them and taking pictures of them. the boys only played one round of horse shoes. we purchased 2 cases of beer and we have over a case left.
times are definitely a changin'. i look forward to the years to come where we'll create new memories. maybe i'll even take my child to the indy 500 one day or at least watch it with him on tv.
this past weekend, memorial day weekend, the start of summer, came and went. it was filled with yard work, bbqs with friends, and hot sunny summer weather. it was perfect. i asked my husband sunday morning if he knew who was on the poll for the race. he said, "what race?" i replied, "uh, only the biggest racing/sporting spectacular of the year? the indy 500!" he said, "maybe in indiana it's big, but not here." i didn't care what ny sports team was on that day, dammit i was going to watch the race. i turned on the tv just as jim nabors took the stage to sing 'back home again in indiana'. while he was dreaming about the moonlight on the wabash, i started daydreaming of race days past. i remember being a child, 5, 6, 7 years old. race day was a big day in our house. my father would hang the black and white checkered flags from our deck. i vaguely recall a sign saying "welcome race fans" hanging from our front porch. my brother and i were too young to go with our parents to the race so we would spend the night prior at our aunt and uncle's home (which was conveniently across the yard from our home). the group of race goers would meet at our home usually around 6:00 am. i could hear them in our driveway. the whole group seemed so excited and ready to go even at that hour of the morning. my brother and i would camp out in front of the tv watching the race. even if it was nice outside, my aunt had a hard time trying to lure us away. we knew once the race was over it would still be a few more hours until our parents got back home. we would play in the yard with our cousins until we saw our blue van roll into the driveway. i would run over to my dad and ask him who won the race, even though i already knew. he would tell me in his most excited voice like it was his favorite driver ever! i would always chuckle at how sunburned he would be with huge raccoon eyes. no self-respecting man would wear sunscreen, right? we would spend the rest of the evening playing in the backyard while my aunt and uncle had a bbq.
years passed and as we got older memories changed to bbqs and cocktail parties on our deck, just the four of us. my mother would request jimmy buffett music and my brother would inevitably put on some cd we didn't recognize. the nights would end with the feeding frenzy album where we would raise our cocktails and sing along with 'margaritaville'. it was indeed the official start of summer.
mary hulman-george has now said "ladies and gentlemen, start your engines" and i'm brought back to present day. and how times have changed. we had our bbq on monday. yes, the day before a work day which we used to never do. our 4 closets friends came with their children in tow. most of the afternoon revolved around them and taking pictures of them. the boys only played one round of horse shoes. we purchased 2 cases of beer and we have over a case left.
times are definitely a changin'. i look forward to the years to come where we'll create new memories. maybe i'll even take my child to the indy 500 one day or at least watch it with him on tv.
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