Revolutionary Road

"Hey LA. May I ask you a question?" asks a friend who called me yesterday afternoon. "Shoot" I say. He says, "Remember that feeling you had years ago when you were in the midwest, the one like you just had to get out of there or you were going to go crazy? And then you moved out east and made a new life for yourself where you seem to be fairly successful in life and love. Does that original feeling, the one that made you move, ever go away?" I immediately answered, "No. Sure when you first move the excitement and the unknown and meeting new people and starting a new job makes that feeling disappear slightly, but it never really goes away. In fact, for me, it's back."

Now, I'm not saying that the feeling of needing to leave the midwest is the same one I have now, but it's similar. I recently watched the movie, 'Revolutionary Road' where the 2 main characters are at a type of crossroads in life. The wife comes up with a plan for them to take their family to Paris to "get away from it all" and start over again. It's ironic as I have been dreaming of Paris so much lately, thinking that if I were to move, Paris or London would be my first 2 choices. There really aren't too many other cities in the US that can compare to NYC, so I guess I'll have to try out Europe......

My husband and I got into an argument last night. I am less than 2 weeks away from being 30 years old and have recently been evaluating my life, sort of taking inventory on family, friends, career, etc. I laugh thinking of how growing up in a small town, you were only "cool" if you were popular, and popular meant having a ton of friends. I tried my best to be the most popular girl in my class if not the school, and sadly, I succeeded. But as I have grown older, I can honestly say I have absolutely no connection to my "friends" that I had 10-15 years ago. Sure I have the ever present Facebook that allows me to see when a girl I went to highschool with just wiped her baby's ass or when another girl I went to school with potty trained her kid, but seriously, I don't care. My best friend growing up in elementary school, high school, and my roommate in college for 4 years just turned 30 a week ago and is pregnant with her 3rd kid. Yes, I said 3rd kid. I called her to wish her a happy birthday and the conversation was filled with simple pleasantries. I asked about her kids, I asked about her pregnancy, I asked about our hometown, friends of ours who are still living there, but it all really meant nothing to me. I hung up the phone feeling very sad for us, me and my friend. We were best friends for 22 years and could talk about anything, but now 8 years of being 1,000 miles apart and the difference of a small town versus NYC has come between us.

So I move on. Out here I have made new friends and really great friends, but I have realized new friendships, that didn't start from the age of 1, have some type of superficiality to them. My husband says being superficial with friends is normal, but I disagree (hence the argument). When I ask someone how their day was and I really truly care about their day, am I crazy to think they should ask the same question in return? I get it, we are all busy, everyone has their own situations and their own issues to deal with, but why is it that I'm the only one who seems to really care about what's going on in other people's lives, but never get the same respect in return? My husband says it's my personality. He says it's easy for people to open up to me and tell me their problems or if they don't have problems they tell me how great they are doing. This is all wonderful, I like knowing people can talk to me, but I'm sick of always listening and never being able to speak.

If you asked friends of mine, "How's LA doing?" I am fairly sure everyone would answer "fine" or "great". Where in reality, I'm distraught. I don't sleep well at night worrying about my brother who is on his own quest to find happiness, worrying about my father who has been sober for 2 years and is now going through a nasty divorce and I am concerned for his sobriety. I worry about money and the economy. I worry about my own sanity and health. For the past 2 weeks I haven't been able to keep food in my system, but instead of pressuring the doctor for an answer or going back to the doctor, I actually don't mind it. I see my pants getting bigger, last year's clothes that were too tight, now fit. And even worse, I have become so obsessed with losing weight again that when I actually do digest something, I feel fat and stand in the bathroom contemplating putting my finger down my throat, twice I have done it. I'm guessing no one would know that bit of information.

I was once told in college by an acquaintance that I was the most approachable person she had ever met. I took it as a compliment at the time and sort of prided myself on it back then, but now, I'm sick of being so approachable. If someone wants to talk to me about their problems, that's great, but won't truly get my ear until I know I'm getting theirs in return.

Until then, I think I'll just pack a bag and head off to Paris, if not for real, then in my mind.....