guardian angel grandma

it saddens me knowing that my son, now 7 weeks old will never know my mom. she died 9 years ago of cancer. over the years i have thought about how she will miss out on so many important things in my life. like how i moved to NY, experiencing my new life here, and meeting my husband. children weren't even a glimpse in my eye back then so i never really thought about her missing out on being a grandma until now.

while i was pregnant, my brother and i would joke about how excited our mom would have been knowing she was about to be a grandma. so excited that she almost would have driven me crazy. you know, always calling, checking in, sending gifts that she bought, her ideas for the nursery, etc. she would have planned her trip for when i had the baby, hoping she would have been here in time for the delivery.

instead i've spent the past 7 weeks asking my mom to send motherly advice from heaven. what do i do when i have exhausted all resources on getting him to sleep? i am supposed to go back to work in 4 weeks, but can't possibly imagine doing it. what did she do? i want to share with her every thing charlie does, how he smiles when he is done nursing. how his eyes roll back in his head when he's tired and then he giggles. i want to share with her everytime he gains a pound and grows an inch. and each picture we take of him, i wish i could email them to her and show her just how beautiful he is.

at night while nursing, there is nothing else to do, but stare out the window. over the past few weeks i have noticed a star outside his window. it's the brightest star in the sky. i've come to look for it every night. and no matter the weather, it's there. i am positive it's my mom. she's watching over us, she's keeping an eye on her grandson. i've started talking to the star. i know it sounds silly, but i do. i describe what it feels like to be a mother. how it's surreal. i ask the star how is it possible to love someone so much in an instant, and just when you think you can't possibly love him anymore, that love grows? everyday it grows stronger and i can't imagine my life without him. i talk to charlie. i tell him about his grandma. how smart, how witty, quirky, funny and beautiful she was. i tell him how much she would have loved him.

it's sad my mom never got the chance to be a grandma and even sadder my son never got to meet her. and even though charlie will never get to know his grandma, i know she is up there watching over us. she's his guardian angel grandma

R.I.P Mom 10-27-01