dear baby

all of the websites and books say i should start a pregnancy journal or do a time capsule for you to open 20 years from now. instead i thought i would write you a letter. it's funny saying, "dear baby", we already know your name, in fact we knew it before we even knew you were coming into this world. we call you by name in the comforts of our home, when no one is around. can you hear us? your daddy has the habit of pressing his mouth right against my belly in hopes you can hear him better. it sounds awfully fuzzy to me, i can only imagine what it sounds like to you. i hope you like your name. i already know it's going to suit you perfectly. as of now, we're keeping it to ourselves. as you'll find out in a few years, we have a very opinionated family, and the last thing your daddy and i want is to hear every one's opinions on what your name should be. it's a secret only the three of us know.

so, a little about your parents. hi, i'm your mom. i'm thirty years old, will be thirty-one when you arrive. i'm originally from indiana. i moved out east eight years ago. i can't believe it's been that long already! i met your daddy six years ago and we will be married for two years when you get here in september. your grandma died 8 1/2 years ago of cancer. gosh i wish she could meet you. she would absolutely love you to pieces. she's in heaven now and is watching over you as i write. she'll be a great guardian angel. your grandpa still lives in batesville, indiana (that's where i grew up). your uncle lives in los angeles. they are both so excited to meet you.

i work for a company called miele. i sell appliances. boring, right? i work in manhattan on 58th street and as boring as appliances may sound, i love my job. i hope you will understand when i have to go back to work after you are born. your daddy just started a new job with villeroy and boch. both companies are german. speaking of, he's leaving for germany next week and it will be just me and you, and the dog.

oh, we have a yellow labrador. she'll be 13 years old this fall. her name is bacardi. she's the sweetest thing ever and i know she'll be quite protective over you. she's getting older by the day. i hope she sticks around long enough for you to really enjoy her, because i think the two of you will have a great time together.

right now we live in mount vernon, ny. we bought our home 3 years ago. it's been a work in progress. currently, the room under construction is your room! i can't wait for you to see it. so far it's just perfect and it's not even completely done. we painted the walls blue, of course, since you are a boy, but it's the perfect shade. not too bright, not too light. i hope you'll feel comfortable there and right at home.

i'm almost twenty-five weeks, which means in fifteen weeks you are supposed to come in to this world! over the past couple of weeks you have become very rambunctious, and i wouldn't have it any other way. i love it! it's a reminder to me that you're doing okay. even in the middle of the night when i wake up, you give me a little tap letting me know you're there. thank you. the first time i felt you really move, i was in the bathtub. you gave me a nice little kick! i first thought you were telling me the water was too hot, and i immediately got out of the tub. but, your kicks continued after that. your daddy was a bit jealous at first because he couldn't feel them, but finally on mother's day you gave us your best kick and he felt it! happy mother's day to me! now, we can actually see you kick, it's the coolest thing ever. your daddy thinks it means you're going to be a soccer player. your grandpa hopes your arms are moving and that you're going to be a quarterback. we'll love you no matter what sport you play.

surprisingly enough, i'm not scared of your arrival. actually, i can't wait for it to get here. i've already imagined you in my mind, a beautiful little boy. it doesn't matter to me who you look like either. of course, i would love for you to look like me, but i would be happy if you looked like your daddy. i can't wait to hold you in my arms. stare at you, completely amazed that you are a creation of me and your daddy. amazed that i carried you in my belly for forty weeks. hoping that i provided the proper nourishment and a safe place to grow.

you'll have to forgive me if i don't get it quite right in the beginning. it's my first time being a mom, you know, so please bear with me. i'm going to do my best.

that's it for now. enjoy the apple i'm eating at this moment and i'll see you in fifteen weeks.
i love you.

love,
your mom

love

it's impossible for me to put into words how much i love my husband. there really isn't a great way to say it. it's all emotions, feelings. it's going to bed next to him at night, waking up at 3:00 am and grabbing his hand to know he's still there, he gently squeezes my hand in return to let me know he's not going anywhere. it's being at a crowded party where i glance across the room and meet his eyes at the exact same time. wishing i was next to him, but knowing it's okay that i'm not. it's lying in a field of grass together on a sunny day, not a cloud in the sky. we don't need to say anything, we let the world revolve around us because in that moment, we are the only two people in the whole world. it's giving up a first class seat on a flight back home because they only had one seat and not two. it's being 5 months pregnant, feeling ugly, as i am walking out the door to go to work, my husband tells me i look "yummy". he instantly puts a smile on my face and makes monday morning not seem too bad.

this past weekend i met my husband in chicago. it was one of the best weekends ever. he was there on business, i was there on leisure. we didn't get to spend all that much time together, but the time we did spend, was quality. i would drag my lazy pregnant ass out of bed each morning to join him for breakfast. we would romantically meet each other in the lobby at the end of the day for a drink at the bar and then go to dinner or a party. i did my best on saturday to get "dolled" up for him. it's hard looking sexy in a maternity dress, but when he saw me all dressed up, his face lit up and he told me repeatedly i looked hot. this is the highest compliment you can receive from my husband, being told you look "hot".

we had a great time that evening at a party. he has so many new opportunities coming his way and i couldn't be any more proud of him. he'll succeed at any endeavor he takes on. after the party, we met up with a few of his co-workers. he introduced me to everyone and i was so happy to be introduced as wife. i was elated to be on his arm and have him call me his wife and i call him my husband.

sunday afternoon was a day of leisure. we strolled through millenium park in chicago which is absolutely beautiful. we held hands, we wrapped our arms around each other's waists, we stopped and kissed. we laid in a grassy field, my head on his stomach, and we both fell asleep for only a few minutes. it was what i like to call, "pure bliss".

i'm back to the grind today and i miss him. i can't wait to get home tonight and give him a huge hug and kiss. i can't wait to tell him how much i love him. i know i'm not the perfect wife, but i try my best. i hope he knows how much i love him and if he doesn't, i'll just keep trying until he does know.

Adventures in Babysitting

my husband and i recently babysat for our best friends' 3 month old, drew. it was our first time babysitting together, the first time i have babysat since i was probably 13 years old and our first time alone with this little guy. since we are impending parents, not only did we want the babysitting adventure to be a success since he's the son of our best friends, but it was kind of a test of our parenting skills.

i like to say this quietly, but in my opinion, drew is the best baby i have ever met. i say it quietly because i don't want my little bun in the oven boy to get upset, but he's such a good baby! our night went as such.....

mom and dad left and me and my husband took over. he hung out on the couch with us while we watched the end of the masters. he laid on the floor surrounded by this god-awful colorful thing and listened to the porn-like music it played. anytime i would take a peek at him, he would break into the biggest smile as if to say, "hey! nice to see ya, wanna listen to some music?" we moved him from his mat, because in all honesty, i just couldn't take the music anymore. we tried to get him to roll over, but no such luck. he got soooo close, but couldn't do it. the 2nd or 3rd time we would aid in pushing him over and then erupt into a big "yay!! you did it!" he looked at us like, "what the hell?" my husband tried to get him to walk. he felt slightly defeated when i told him drew was too young to walk, but it didn't matter, drew loved the action. it was cute to see him use his chubby little legs! we put him in his bumbo chair where drooly drew (as his mama calls him) drooled all down the front of himself, soaking his shirt. finally after a fun 2 hours of action, he fell asleep in my husband's arms. i've gotta admit, there is nothing cuter than seeing a baby sleep in your hubby's arms.

bedtime was, let's say, a learning experience. we took this little angel up to his room and went through his whole bedtime routine. it was my favorite part of the evening. he looked at me with his big eyes as if to say, "you're doing a great job! thanks for taking care of me this evening." he was all set in his pjs when i went to give him his bottle. we rocked in the chair while i fed him, drew continued to stare at me with those eyes, a big smile on his face. he pushed the bottle away which his mom told me was a sign he was done. i noticed he didn't eat much, but his mom also said he may not since she fed him earlier. i put drew up on my shoulder and gently patted his back. he released a burp that i swear would challenge my 31 year old husband's burps. ok, he must be set. i decided to rock him a little more before i put him in his crib and all of a sudden he started wailing! screeches that i've never heard come from this baby or for that matter any baby. i rocked him. nope. i bounced back and forth. nope. i did shhhh, shhhh sounds. nope. nothing seemed to work. finally my husband stepped in and i asked him to try. he took him, sat back in the rocker, tried to feed him again, and.....silence. i've gotta admit, i was a little heartbroken my husband was able to solve the problem, but more relieved the poor thing stopped crying. 10 minutes later the wails started again. my husband came downstairs and said, "i think something is wrong with this bottle, it's as if nothing is coming out of it." i compared it to the other bottle that was left for us and sure enough they were the exact same amount, still full. it must have been my motherly instinct, because i instantly removed the nipple part to see that a white cap was blocking any liquid from getting out. i reassembled the bottle, gave it back to my husband and drew started downing the liquid. no wonder the little sweetheart was crying, he was hungry!

side note: in our instructions from the mom, she did say to remove the white cap from the bottle. i thought she assumed we had no idea what we were doing and was telling us to remove the obvious white cap on top of the bottle, not that there was another one inside!!

after the bottle was gone, my husband put him in his crib. we were successful, but i felt slightly defeated. i wanted to be the one to put the little one to sleep. a little bit later, drew starts whimpering, slightly crying. i wanted to redeem myself, so i said to my husband with the utmost confidence, "i've got this one." i gave the little guy his pacifier, turned back on his sleep sheep, rubbed his chest for a moment and he fell into dreamland. i'm fairly sure he even gave me a smile before he fell asleep. i couldn't tell because, you know, it was dark and all. so technically, i was the one who got him to sleep.

all and all our first adventure in babysitting was a great success! i wanted to make sure however, drew wasn't going to remember that i was the one who put him into a crying fit. his parents reassured me, no, but just in case, i'm going to have to babysit him again. i told his mom last night it's amazing to me how much i love that little guy and he's not even mine. i can't imagine how much i'm going to love the little baby growing inside of me! i can't wait for the two of them to become best buds and for drew to teach his little cousin everything he knows. hell, drew has already taught me some things of my own about parenting.

thanks drew! it was a fun night....

Interpreting Dreams

i recently made mention of dreams i have had saying i was having a boy. and i am now having a boy! so the other night when i had a dream of actually giving birth to this boy i paid close attention to the details of the dream and woke myself up instantly to remember them. here's what happened:

...my husband and i were at the hospital, me ready to give birth. the birth was instant and happened within seconds. i didn't feel any pain, no soreness, no nothing. he shot out of me like a canon! i was in shock it happened so fast! i asked my husband, "did the doctor even come in here?" he told me the doctor did come in, but the labor was so quick he didn't have to do anything. i laid in bed holding our new born baby, staring in amazement at his beauty and how i couldn't believe my husband and i produced something as gorgeous as he! then the family arrived, well most of the family. my mother-in-law, my 2 cousins, my brother and my father. my mother-in-law was the first to hold him. she was holding him as if he was 6 months old, bouncing him around and tossing him in the air, while my baby's head/neck flopped around mercilessly. i urged my husband to please take the baby away from her. then one of my cousins tried feeding him cheese and crackers. she was stuffing them into his mouth. i screamed at her that he's barely and hour old and she can't be feeding him cheese and crackers! my other cousin told us she hated his name. and then there were my brother and father, both just staring at him like they have never seen anything like him before. (which i guess maybe they haven't.) they were so happy to welcome into this world their first nephew and grandson. after everyone left the nurse took him to get weighed. when she came back i asked her his weight. she sounded like the teacher from the Peanuts, whaah, whah, whah, whhaah, whaahh. she was german and my husband told me we would find out sooner or later on the birth certificate. then i woke up.......

how realistic! i remember in the dream when i was first holding him i told him i knew i was dreaming but if he could just be so kind and make labor in september as easy as it was in my dream that would be awesome. recently i saw my mother-in-law holding a young baby as if he could hold his head up properly. so it's no surprise that would be the one thing i was concerned about with her holding him in the dream. the 2 cousins in the dream, well, uh, let's just say the dream was fitting. and as for my brother and father, i think they can't wait to meet this little guy. to love him as much as they possibly can and to teach him everything they know about this big big world. when i woke up, i remember being disappointed that i couldn't understand what the nurse said about his weight. i was hoping to hear something and remember it to see how close the dream weight was to his real weight.

each day i am astonished by the amount of love i feel for this baby boy and i haven't even met him yet. after my dream i loved him even more than i did the day before. i can't wait to meet him. i'm anxious to see what he looks like. i'm excited to see when his personality will develop. i just want to hold him in my arms and say, "hi! i'm your mommy. and i'm going to try my hardest to be the absolute best mom i can be to you.......just bare with me."

Faith

each night i say a prayer when I go to bed. "now i lay me down to sleep, i pray the lord my soul to keep......" the same prayer i have been saying since i was old enough to recite one. i pray for the safety and health of the baby boy i am carrying inside me. i pray for a healthy pregnancy. i pray my mother's parenting skills have rubbed off on me. i pray for my cousins children. i pray for my dad's sobriety. i pray my brother finds happiness. i pray for my 90 year old grandparents' health too. i ask him to tell my mother i said hello and i miss her every day.

there is a saying in a song that says, "i'm praying to a God i don't believe in." whatever gets you through, right? i've struggled with my faith since the death of my mother. i prayed my ass off while she was sick. praying she would get better, praying she wouldn't die, praying i would be able to get through it. and not a single one of those things happend. she didn't get better, she died, and i still haven't gotten through it.

i am almost 31 years old and am going to be a mother come september. how can i not practice some sort of faith while raising a child? what if something happens to him? what if he gets sick? who would i turn to for help? would it even matter?


my father recently called me while i was at work. he never calls me during the work day. he tells me he has great news and he had to tell someone, so he called me. the judge came back with a number for his divorce settlement. the number he came back with was well below the number his ex-wife was suing him for! phew! i could hear the relief and happiness in my dad's voice. suddenly my shoulders felt about 50 pounds lighter. of course i will still worry about his sobriety, but it's one less thing that could set my dad back off the wagon. i think he's been unhappy for quite some time and it's his turn to experience life and happiness.

the other day i received an email from my brother telling me he has started seeing a therapist. FINALLY! he has been unhappy for such a long time and is just one more person in my life who deserves to find happiness. my brother hasn't been himself for a very long time, probably since my mother died, if not before. therapy has always been a taboo thing in my family. you have issues? so does everyone else in this family. sweep them under the carpet like we have done for the past 60 years and you'll be good to go. therapy did wonders for me and i've been telling my brother to screw the stigma of seeing a shrink and GO SEE ONE! he tells me the therapist read him in the first 10 minutes he was there. he thinks the therapist will be good for him. it's going to take a while to peel all the layers my brother has built up around him, but once those layers are gone, i will have the brother i once knew back.

monday i had another sonogram. this one was called the "anatomy test" where they do a full body scan on the baby to see if all of his organs are progressing the way they should be progressing. the doctor told me i have one beautiful healthy baby boy growing inside of me and my pregnancy is absolutely perfect.

tonight my husband has a 3rd interview for a new job. he doesn't need this job, he already has one, which takes the pressure off. however, this job is offering more money and better opportunities. with a baby on the way in 5 months it never hurts to get offered more money. i'm so proud of him regardless of what happens.

so, are we just crossing a lucky patch? or is there someone out there that is really watching over us? someone that is really answering our prayers? will we ever know? who knows. but for now, i'm going to keep saying every night, "now i lay me down to sleep......" and see where my faith takes me.

Vacation

77 weeks ago was the last real vacation my husband and I went on. It was for our honeymoon. We went to Hawaii for 2 weeks and it was the best vacation either one of us went on. It was filled with taking in breathtaking views, relaxing by the pool, playing in the ocean, getting massages, and drinking mai tais....lots of them.

77 weeks later, here in New York City it is cold, bitterly cold. It's 35 degrees with wind gusts of up to 31 mph. It's raining, pouring rain. Over the past 2 days we have accumulated over 5" of rain, and it's supposed to continue to rain tomorrow. Everything is flooded. It's hard to drive your car anywhere, all the parkways are closed. It's hard to walk down the sidewalk because the driving rain continues to hit you in the face even with your golf-sized umbrella. I just walked half of a block to the deli and suddenly became Mary Freaking Poppins as the wind took my umbrella up into the air and I felt like my feet were dangling 12" above the pavement!

I hate this weather, and I act like I'm not used to it. I am, I grew up in the mid-west where the weather was basically the same as it is in New York. I understand the Springtime is supposed to be rainy, but freezing cold and rainy? How are these April showers going to produce any May flowers when the temperatures don't go above 40? This weather depresses me. I have a 10 block walk from Grand Central Terminal to my office. It takes me 10 minutes. It normally gives me time to think and relax before I start my work day. Not today! I was more stressed out from battling the wind, rain, and random umbrellas poking me in the face than anything else! I was almost in tears. I was thinking when is this shit of a season going to end? Is there any end in sight?

In 43 days my husband and I are leaving for Fort Lauderdale, Florida, and I can not wait. It's not that Fort Lauderdale excites me, it's more about the fact of getting away. Sure we've been away on short little weekends, but I mean really truly get away from NYC. I want to go somewhere warm, a place with a beach where I can rest my feet in the sand. A place where the palm trees provide minimal shade around the pool so I can soak up the warm sun at all hours of the day. A place where I can kick back and order a fruity drink with an umbrella and drink it at my leisure, but not too slowly because it's so warm the ice melts. A place where at night when the sun has gone down, it's still warm, but you need a light sweater to keep the sunburn chill away. A place where I can be me, no worries, no fake fronts, no emails, no cell phones, just me and my husband and the warm warm sun.

A Little Boy

"It's a Boy? It's a Boy?? It's a BOY!" After 16 weeks of waiting. After 16 weeks of calling him an 'It', we finally know that come September we are going to be blessed with a little boy. I have had 2 dreams in the past couple of weeks saying it was going to be a boy. I felt like it was going to be a boy. I guess a mother really does know.

A little boy. I can't believe it. I can't stop smiling. I can't stop imagining what he is going to look like. Will he look like me? Will he look like my husband? Will he be a perfect combination of the two of us? Whose personality will he take on? I have to admit I would love for him to look like me and have the demeanor and personality of his dad. Although if he looks like his dad, that would be just fine too.

A little boy. I've spent the past 24 hours trying out the name we have chosen for him, making sure it sounds perfect. I have bought him his first newborn outfit and bought him a Mets t-shirt for him to wear come next spring. I've researched nursery ideas, something slightly bright to stimulate his senses, but not too bright that it's overwhelming. I want him to grow up in the perfect atmosphere. I've told our closest friends and family we are having a little boy. I've even told not so close friends he's a boy and everyone says the same thing, "Boys are the best!" I told a random client. She told me she had 2 boys now the age of 21 and 23 and they are still the loves of her life. "Boys are the best!"

A little boy. It all of a sudden seems more real than it ever did. Wow! We are having a baby. Not just any baby, but an adorable little bundle of joy, a boy. I talked to him last night. I told him I hope I'm keeping him nice and safe and warm and cozy in there. I told him I can't wait to meet him and I am amazed that he is already the love of my life. I told him I hope to be the best mom I can be.

A little boy. My mom's first child was a boy. She was also morning sick like I was with her first child. Am I taking after her? I can only hope. I can only hope to be half the mom she was to me and my brother. I wish she was here to meet him. He would bring her so much happiness and joy. Instead, I know my little angel boy has his very own special guardian angel up in heaven watching over him. He will indeed be safe.